Ok, I just woke up 3:30AM and I can't sleep anymore. I kept thinking, Lord, why do I feel like I still haven't done something I was supposed to do but I still can. You know that feeling that you haven't done something wrong, but there is this thing you haven't done. The feeling is quite different. I don't feel regret, but I feel that God has given me this perfect timing and I just have follow and do it.
Ah yeah, I forgot that I bought some krispy kreme doughnuts for her. Actually, I didn't buy it for her in the first place, I want to eat it, but I realized that I bought 3 of them out of coincidence and it will be perfect gift but it slipped my mind last night and I haven't given her the donuts. Well beyond the donuts, there is something more, and I believe I have forgotten to give her those donuts for a reason.
Today, i need to tell her something, something I haven't told her for a long time because I was afraid of what she's going to say, but I have nothing left to lose and I have God and I don't want to wait for another week before I realize that I need to tell her this:
(name), I love you and you love me. That guy doesn't love you, well he loves you but he doesn't love you that much because he can't let you go! Please don't stay with him, he'll be okay just like me. Wait for me and I will pursue you, just let God mold us and straighten out our curls for a while. Let's start over and be friends again. You don't have to chase after me anymore, I want and I will pursue you and I'll be there for you and I'm not saying this because I want your favor, but this is what my heart desires.
This is the outburst of my heart now, and I need you my Lord to tell me if my heart is not deceiving me. Why now? I just realized that I really really need to tell her these things and I don't care anymore if she says yes or no, but no questions asked, no what if's, and maybe's but I just have to do this because you told me to my Lord. I guess it's destiny for me.
Showing posts with label her. Show all posts
Showing posts with label her. Show all posts
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Broken Piece of Glass
You came here tonight saying sorry again. We talked a little but I'm quite disappointed by your convictions. I thought you've changed or you already woke up but I guess I was wrong.
Earlier this week, I said to one of my friends at the office that I'm expecting two cases. First case: She'll say sorry just to say sorry but she's still with that guy and I'll watch her walk away. Second case: She'll say sorry but she already broke up with her guy and woke up, and she'll wait for me. So I prepared some emo songs. Either way, it won't really matter coz I'm having so much fun with my singlehood with God. I already accepted any case because no matter what, I'll still be single afterwards but I know already in my heart that it will be Case One so I chose the best emo song for me for Case One.
When she came I saw her face, still sad, and I thought to myself oh when will you ever wake up. She talked to me and said sorry. That's it, she just want to say sorry... and she told me some stuff about what's happening in her life.
She said that she tried breaking up with that guy and he just wouldn't accept it, so she decided to stay with him because he will stop training if he loses her and she said she doesn't want to cause any more chaos. My heart was not shocked anymore, I said, oh well Lord, she still chose that path. I told her everything I wanted to say, without the crappy forgiveness hindrance. I said to her,
I noticed that I've been too forgiving and in the process I haven't said what I really wanted to say. I've always said that you'll be okay and be fair to your love for your guy but this night I want you to tell something. If it's just me, I want you off him, I want you to be single and realize that your attachments will not keep you alive. Let go of them.
You said you don't want to cause any more chaos, but is that principle YOUR GOD? Why do you limit yourself because of that thought? Do not hinder yourself by what you think, but do not stop thinking either! Let God handle things for you. You said you don't want to chase after me anymore, then don't! There's still singlehood, hello? Are you afraid? Why can't you let go, why....
And you said stop! and we smiled at each other knowing that you're still you. You keep asking God for a way out, for your bf to break you and all... sigh, remove all the feelings, what we had, everything that connects us, and just see you as myself as a Christian, I am disappointed.
Tonight I watched you walk away under a lamp post. I quickly grabbed my music player and fulfilled the vision which God has given me. I listened to The Blues by Switchfoot as I saw your back getting farther and farther away until it diminished into the darkness of night. I stood there under that yellow light while the stars watched me stare at her. I walked the opposite direction and smiled to God. Lord, thank you for ending another spectacular movie event of my life. Tinding moment yun ah, with matching serenity of the night, lamp post, yellow light, and background music. I just felt God's holy spirit embraced me and whispered 'I am enough' as I walked home refreshed.
I'm shocked that I'm not sad anymore, and I need an emo song just to get in the right mood. It's a little bit tiring to see you like that again and again. Tonight, I won't think if I still love you or not because you didn't even come close to bringing out that wow in me.
It's a deadlock for us, and it will be a surprise to us if destiny still brings us back together. For you, you don't want to chase after me but you cannot wait. For me, I just want you to wait and I cannot pursue you now, coz right now, I have nothing to offer but singlehood.
I'm free and I don't have to endure her missing me or loving me messages. Thank you my God for opening a way for a new beginning. Tonight I let go of the thought that we'll be us again someday. I'll wait for who God has destined for me... I hope she's eagerly waiting for me too.
Even though I'm free, nothing has changed for me tonight, I'm still single. My officemate is eagerly waiting to see me break my convictions and just say to her, leave him and be my girlfriend just to easily end all of it. But no, God is telling me that I won't be happy with that path and the same thing will happen again.
I love God and that's enough for me, and the world cannot take it away... not even her. Good night for a long time. Crap, now I really need to get her to say goodbye to ma.
Earlier this week, I said to one of my friends at the office that I'm expecting two cases. First case: She'll say sorry just to say sorry but she's still with that guy and I'll watch her walk away. Second case: She'll say sorry but she already broke up with her guy and woke up, and she'll wait for me. So I prepared some emo songs. Either way, it won't really matter coz I'm having so much fun with my singlehood with God. I already accepted any case because no matter what, I'll still be single afterwards but I know already in my heart that it will be Case One so I chose the best emo song for me for Case One.
When she came I saw her face, still sad, and I thought to myself oh when will you ever wake up. She talked to me and said sorry. That's it, she just want to say sorry... and she told me some stuff about what's happening in her life.
She said that she tried breaking up with that guy and he just wouldn't accept it, so she decided to stay with him because he will stop training if he loses her and she said she doesn't want to cause any more chaos. My heart was not shocked anymore, I said, oh well Lord, she still chose that path. I told her everything I wanted to say, without the crappy forgiveness hindrance. I said to her,
I noticed that I've been too forgiving and in the process I haven't said what I really wanted to say. I've always said that you'll be okay and be fair to your love for your guy but this night I want you to tell something. If it's just me, I want you off him, I want you to be single and realize that your attachments will not keep you alive. Let go of them.
You said you don't want to cause any more chaos, but is that principle YOUR GOD? Why do you limit yourself because of that thought? Do not hinder yourself by what you think, but do not stop thinking either! Let God handle things for you. You said you don't want to chase after me anymore, then don't! There's still singlehood, hello? Are you afraid? Why can't you let go, why....
And you said stop! and we smiled at each other knowing that you're still you. You keep asking God for a way out, for your bf to break you and all... sigh, remove all the feelings, what we had, everything that connects us, and just see you as myself as a Christian, I am disappointed.
Tonight I watched you walk away under a lamp post. I quickly grabbed my music player and fulfilled the vision which God has given me. I listened to The Blues by Switchfoot as I saw your back getting farther and farther away until it diminished into the darkness of night. I stood there under that yellow light while the stars watched me stare at her. I walked the opposite direction and smiled to God. Lord, thank you for ending another spectacular movie event of my life. Tinding moment yun ah, with matching serenity of the night, lamp post, yellow light, and background music. I just felt God's holy spirit embraced me and whispered 'I am enough' as I walked home refreshed.
I'm shocked that I'm not sad anymore, and I need an emo song just to get in the right mood. It's a little bit tiring to see you like that again and again. Tonight, I won't think if I still love you or not because you didn't even come close to bringing out that wow in me.
It's a deadlock for us, and it will be a surprise to us if destiny still brings us back together. For you, you don't want to chase after me but you cannot wait. For me, I just want you to wait and I cannot pursue you now, coz right now, I have nothing to offer but singlehood.
I'm free and I don't have to endure her missing me or loving me messages. Thank you my God for opening a way for a new beginning. Tonight I let go of the thought that we'll be us again someday. I'll wait for who God has destined for me... I hope she's eagerly waiting for me too.
Even though I'm free, nothing has changed for me tonight, I'm still single. My officemate is eagerly waiting to see me break my convictions and just say to her, leave him and be my girlfriend just to easily end all of it. But no, God is telling me that I won't be happy with that path and the same thing will happen again.
I love God and that's enough for me, and the world cannot take it away... not even her. Good night for a long time. Crap, now I really need to get her to say goodbye to ma.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Hate that I Love You
...is my current song in my multiply.
When I reply to her texts and chat messages, it's like nothing has happened between the two of us. It's like my heart has not been crushed. I don't have the heart anymore to scold her, and shove everything in her face. Just want to forget everything that has happened, not to dwell in the past and all.
Watched Evan Almighty yesterday with my family at ATC. It was a great movie and I said in my review that I cried almost all throughout the entire movie but I didn't disclose there why. I cried because I remembered her, I cried because it talks about family, how each person stands for each other, be there in times of need, and even though she's not my wife, my vision was she would become my other half. Throughout the entire movie, I can see my life. I can relate with Evan when he was too busy with his career, trying to change the world in his little ways, and forgetting the things that are more important in the process. It's good that in a movie house, lights are off and no one can see a person crying hehehe.
I texted her after how I loved the movie (she was the one who recommended it to me) and coincidentally she texted at the same time talking bout the environment. She replied,
:-D sabay tau nagtxt. Funny it still hapens. Its nice noh ^-^
I thought to myself, yeah it still does but why?
A lot of small talks after, even this morning. It says in the song that I love her beyond the reason why. Hehe. Okay this is too much hopelessly romanticism. Jogging muna ako, to remove some idleness. As they say, an idle mind is the devil's playground, dunno if this is biblical though hehe. Enlighten me.
On the side note, a former textmate texted me out of the blue and asked me to take her to church. I thought to myself, hmmm, this is weird. I replied, sure, alabang morning next sunday.
When I reply to her texts and chat messages, it's like nothing has happened between the two of us. It's like my heart has not been crushed. I don't have the heart anymore to scold her, and shove everything in her face. Just want to forget everything that has happened, not to dwell in the past and all.
Watched Evan Almighty yesterday with my family at ATC. It was a great movie and I said in my review that I cried almost all throughout the entire movie but I didn't disclose there why. I cried because I remembered her, I cried because it talks about family, how each person stands for each other, be there in times of need, and even though she's not my wife, my vision was she would become my other half. Throughout the entire movie, I can see my life. I can relate with Evan when he was too busy with his career, trying to change the world in his little ways, and forgetting the things that are more important in the process. It's good that in a movie house, lights are off and no one can see a person crying hehehe.
I texted her after how I loved the movie (she was the one who recommended it to me) and coincidentally she texted at the same time talking bout the environment. She replied,
:-D sabay tau nagtxt. Funny it still hapens. Its nice noh ^-^
I thought to myself, yeah it still does but why?
A lot of small talks after, even this morning. It says in the song that I love her beyond the reason why. Hehe. Okay this is too much hopelessly romanticism. Jogging muna ako, to remove some idleness. As they say, an idle mind is the devil's playground, dunno if this is biblical though hehe. Enlighten me.
On the side note, a former textmate texted me out of the blue and asked me to take her to church. I thought to myself, hmmm, this is weird. I replied, sure, alabang morning next sunday.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
If you do comeback
I do not keep my hopes up that this will happen, but if in any case it still would, I will take care of you for the rest of my life.
I hope you realize that only god can satisfy your longing, your loneliness. Do not give up your purpose and be bounded by your emotions. As your friend, I will help you love god above anyone else, and this will give you security.
Yes, you are still a mess. Even before you said it to me, I already felt what you were feeling. This connection between us, the way we feel each other even if we are so far away from each other, is already common to us, and this does not shock us anymore. It will never be broken and it is a pain to feel your pain.
You are not okay, and still struggling to find yourself. You want to be back in god's embrace yet something is hindering you. It is the oddest feeling to still talk to you after all that, to still reply to your text messages, to be the same person to comfort you even if you left me for dead to a rag (no bitterness here, i'm telling the truth) but now that I love god much better than I love you. I even pray for your guy to be saved, that you two will have god in the center of your relationship. But I demand from God that you do not give your life to a lost, that you do not give into horrible ungodliness in ungodly relationships. That is my prayer.
Your true friends miss you, yet you still hide to your cave, you feel condemned even if we are righteous in God's eyes because we have been saved, you are with a non-christian guy and you know it's wrong yet you feel happy with him and everything else doesn't matter anymore. You reason out your impulsiveness and being emotional for the actions you've done even if you know that your reasons are nowhere near appropriate.
I'm shocked by your standards, your convictions, it's like I do not know you anymore. You have been out of your comfort zone for only four months and you already gave in. Where is her, the one who's so much on fire for God during the good times, the one who will always text me to read my bible, the one who was always ready to rebuke someone with a standard even slightly lower than God's. She's still in you, yet like the former me, your sin has covered her so badly that God cannot touch her.
Ironic as it may sound, it is your free will that will release you from your bondage, and like what you did to me when I was drifting, I will help you. Only this time it is much harder for me because the enemy knows my vulnerability, it's telling me that you deserve what you are getting, tempting me to hope that you two will have the worst time of your life, to curse you and that guy, that he is my insecurity, my enemy. But these are already clear to me because God opens my ear to listen and be critical.
Let me tell you something, you are not "in too deep" into anything until you are in too deep with God and if you do not realize this, it will forever haunt you, your thirst will never be quenched, and you will never be satisfied. There will always be something lacking.
Pour out your heart to God. I pray that you realize this not only in your mind but also in your heart and know what to do after realizing it because I don't want to see you suffer any longer. In every day of my life that I'm getting closer and closer to god, you are running farther away. Why are you telling me all these? You already realized many things in your mind, yet still you do not come back because to realize this in your mind is not enough. Deep in your heart you want to realize this but as I said, something is hindering you. I pray that God will have a way to remove that hindrance.
When you do realize this and love god again, and if God permits that you come back to me, I will forgive you and love you in utmost truth, because who am I to hate you even if I do not. If God took me back into his arms even after so much pain I caused him, I will do the same for you not out of pitty, but because I love you.
Still, I do not see myself growing old with somebody else, but If you do not love God, I do not deserve you and ask God for someone deserving of my love, someone who is on God's track. I hold on to his promises and not rely on false hopes.
Yes, I'm not keeping my hopes up that we'll still be back because I just put it in God's hands, and I know I'll be happy wherever he takes me, but I have faith in God that you will come back to Him. You were a firm jelly, but as much as that jelly wants to be firm, when she was dropped into a bowl of hot soup, it devoured her and started to make her soft.
I cannot tell you all of these now because you are fragile. It will not build you up until your realizations are true to you. This is your test of faith, and we cannot manipulate or control you, but we can still encourage you and push you towards god, and that's what I will do. In the end, it will still be up to you, to live for God, or to live for the world. Looking at it, this is a kid's stuff decision, and the answer is very obvious but because we are not children anymore, we complicate things, and it is not anymore a simple yes or no. Hmmm, is that the reason why God loves children? and the kingdom belongs to "such as these" (Luke 18:16). May your decision be not covered by the shroud of darkness, be like a child, go back to the basics and love god. May He reveal more of him and less of you in everyday of your life.
This is another revelation to me, among the many others. If you're reading this and you know me, I hope you appreciate that you are one of the handful I mentioned in my other blog, it's because I trust you and I know that you, my christian friend, will give me the an advice aligned to god's.
I hope you realize that only god can satisfy your longing, your loneliness. Do not give up your purpose and be bounded by your emotions. As your friend, I will help you love god above anyone else, and this will give you security.
Yes, you are still a mess. Even before you said it to me, I already felt what you were feeling. This connection between us, the way we feel each other even if we are so far away from each other, is already common to us, and this does not shock us anymore. It will never be broken and it is a pain to feel your pain.
You are not okay, and still struggling to find yourself. You want to be back in god's embrace yet something is hindering you. It is the oddest feeling to still talk to you after all that, to still reply to your text messages, to be the same person to comfort you even if you left me for dead to a rag (no bitterness here, i'm telling the truth) but now that I love god much better than I love you. I even pray for your guy to be saved, that you two will have god in the center of your relationship. But I demand from God that you do not give your life to a lost, that you do not give into horrible ungodliness in ungodly relationships. That is my prayer.
Your true friends miss you, yet you still hide to your cave, you feel condemned even if we are righteous in God's eyes because we have been saved, you are with a non-christian guy and you know it's wrong yet you feel happy with him and everything else doesn't matter anymore. You reason out your impulsiveness and being emotional for the actions you've done even if you know that your reasons are nowhere near appropriate.
I'm shocked by your standards, your convictions, it's like I do not know you anymore. You have been out of your comfort zone for only four months and you already gave in. Where is her, the one who's so much on fire for God during the good times, the one who will always text me to read my bible, the one who was always ready to rebuke someone with a standard even slightly lower than God's. She's still in you, yet like the former me, your sin has covered her so badly that God cannot touch her.
Ironic as it may sound, it is your free will that will release you from your bondage, and like what you did to me when I was drifting, I will help you. Only this time it is much harder for me because the enemy knows my vulnerability, it's telling me that you deserve what you are getting, tempting me to hope that you two will have the worst time of your life, to curse you and that guy, that he is my insecurity, my enemy. But these are already clear to me because God opens my ear to listen and be critical.
Let me tell you something, you are not "in too deep" into anything until you are in too deep with God and if you do not realize this, it will forever haunt you, your thirst will never be quenched, and you will never be satisfied. There will always be something lacking.
Pour out your heart to God. I pray that you realize this not only in your mind but also in your heart and know what to do after realizing it because I don't want to see you suffer any longer. In every day of my life that I'm getting closer and closer to god, you are running farther away. Why are you telling me all these? You already realized many things in your mind, yet still you do not come back because to realize this in your mind is not enough. Deep in your heart you want to realize this but as I said, something is hindering you. I pray that God will have a way to remove that hindrance.
When you do realize this and love god again, and if God permits that you come back to me, I will forgive you and love you in utmost truth, because who am I to hate you even if I do not. If God took me back into his arms even after so much pain I caused him, I will do the same for you not out of pitty, but because I love you.
Still, I do not see myself growing old with somebody else, but If you do not love God, I do not deserve you and ask God for someone deserving of my love, someone who is on God's track. I hold on to his promises and not rely on false hopes.
Yes, I'm not keeping my hopes up that we'll still be back because I just put it in God's hands, and I know I'll be happy wherever he takes me, but I have faith in God that you will come back to Him. You were a firm jelly, but as much as that jelly wants to be firm, when she was dropped into a bowl of hot soup, it devoured her and started to make her soft.
I cannot tell you all of these now because you are fragile. It will not build you up until your realizations are true to you. This is your test of faith, and we cannot manipulate or control you, but we can still encourage you and push you towards god, and that's what I will do. In the end, it will still be up to you, to live for God, or to live for the world. Looking at it, this is a kid's stuff decision, and the answer is very obvious but because we are not children anymore, we complicate things, and it is not anymore a simple yes or no. Hmmm, is that the reason why God loves children? and the kingdom belongs to "such as these" (Luke 18:16). May your decision be not covered by the shroud of darkness, be like a child, go back to the basics and love god. May He reveal more of him and less of you in everyday of your life.
This is another revelation to me, among the many others. If you're reading this and you know me, I hope you appreciate that you are one of the handful I mentioned in my other blog, it's because I trust you and I know that you, my christian friend, will give me the an advice aligned to god's.
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