Sorry seems easily said. You kept on saying and saying it, but I already said I forgave you yet you didn't stop. I already realized you were crying because when I was crying and chatting during my lowest point, I also did what you did, reiterate myself over and over again.
Lord, may your will be done... I don't want to be confused again, reveal your way on the things I must do.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Keep Running
Just had my exhausting but very satisfying jog. God is there in everything we do, and to realize that gives a fulfillment in the things we do. He talks to us, if only we would listen.
After a while I jogged again but this time, it's not just another run. Decided to bring my mp3 player using the earphones given by a friend from the States. I remembered the movie, "In the Land of Women" where the guy just hold his ipod while jogging, so I did the same thing and did not bother finding my armband. This is the first time I brought a music player with me during jogging and it was good. hehe.
Jogging at the campus at dusk is amazing, nice lightings, good ambiance, and with the matching song playing in my ear, I felt I was in a movie! During the entire run I was talking to Him, sharing what I thought bout what's happening in my life, thanking Him how he has been so good to me, how I can still continue with life after what happened, and appreciating his creations and how perfect the jogging was.
The pain was already kicking in when the song "Collide" played, it brought back some memories. Even more when the line "Even the best fall down sometimes" was said, hehehe. I said, yeah...
I ran harder and I grew tired until I wanted to rest, until I couldn't catch my breath, until I longed for something quench my thirst and it hit me. This is how I want God in my life, and I cried and raised my hand while jogging (crazy), and I said to God, "Not yet, I can still run!", and I run harder and harder until I cannot run anymore, and I walked, bought a gatorade and prayed, "That's it! How I wanted rest and something to drink, that's how I want You."
I walked home, and just when I thought that things couldn't get better, i saw fireflies and they were a sight! I smiled and thanked God again for He knows I take delight in these small things. Thank You for making my life more exciting...
I think I can blog this in my public blogsite.
After a while I jogged again but this time, it's not just another run. Decided to bring my mp3 player using the earphones given by a friend from the States. I remembered the movie, "In the Land of Women" where the guy just hold his ipod while jogging, so I did the same thing and did not bother finding my armband. This is the first time I brought a music player with me during jogging and it was good. hehe.
Jogging at the campus at dusk is amazing, nice lightings, good ambiance, and with the matching song playing in my ear, I felt I was in a movie! During the entire run I was talking to Him, sharing what I thought bout what's happening in my life, thanking Him how he has been so good to me, how I can still continue with life after what happened, and appreciating his creations and how perfect the jogging was.
The pain was already kicking in when the song "Collide" played, it brought back some memories. Even more when the line "Even the best fall down sometimes" was said, hehehe. I said, yeah...
I ran harder and I grew tired until I wanted to rest, until I couldn't catch my breath, until I longed for something quench my thirst and it hit me. This is how I want God in my life, and I cried and raised my hand while jogging (crazy), and I said to God, "Not yet, I can still run!", and I run harder and harder until I cannot run anymore, and I walked, bought a gatorade and prayed, "That's it! How I wanted rest and something to drink, that's how I want You."
I walked home, and just when I thought that things couldn't get better, i saw fireflies and they were a sight! I smiled and thanked God again for He knows I take delight in these small things. Thank You for making my life more exciting...
I think I can blog this in my public blogsite.
Hate that I Love You
...is my current song in my multiply.
When I reply to her texts and chat messages, it's like nothing has happened between the two of us. It's like my heart has not been crushed. I don't have the heart anymore to scold her, and shove everything in her face. Just want to forget everything that has happened, not to dwell in the past and all.
Watched Evan Almighty yesterday with my family at ATC. It was a great movie and I said in my review that I cried almost all throughout the entire movie but I didn't disclose there why. I cried because I remembered her, I cried because it talks about family, how each person stands for each other, be there in times of need, and even though she's not my wife, my vision was she would become my other half. Throughout the entire movie, I can see my life. I can relate with Evan when he was too busy with his career, trying to change the world in his little ways, and forgetting the things that are more important in the process. It's good that in a movie house, lights are off and no one can see a person crying hehehe.
I texted her after how I loved the movie (she was the one who recommended it to me) and coincidentally she texted at the same time talking bout the environment. She replied,
:-D sabay tau nagtxt. Funny it still hapens. Its nice noh ^-^
I thought to myself, yeah it still does but why?
A lot of small talks after, even this morning. It says in the song that I love her beyond the reason why. Hehe. Okay this is too much hopelessly romanticism. Jogging muna ako, to remove some idleness. As they say, an idle mind is the devil's playground, dunno if this is biblical though hehe. Enlighten me.
On the side note, a former textmate texted me out of the blue and asked me to take her to church. I thought to myself, hmmm, this is weird. I replied, sure, alabang morning next sunday.
When I reply to her texts and chat messages, it's like nothing has happened between the two of us. It's like my heart has not been crushed. I don't have the heart anymore to scold her, and shove everything in her face. Just want to forget everything that has happened, not to dwell in the past and all.
Watched Evan Almighty yesterday with my family at ATC. It was a great movie and I said in my review that I cried almost all throughout the entire movie but I didn't disclose there why. I cried because I remembered her, I cried because it talks about family, how each person stands for each other, be there in times of need, and even though she's not my wife, my vision was she would become my other half. Throughout the entire movie, I can see my life. I can relate with Evan when he was too busy with his career, trying to change the world in his little ways, and forgetting the things that are more important in the process. It's good that in a movie house, lights are off and no one can see a person crying hehehe.
I texted her after how I loved the movie (she was the one who recommended it to me) and coincidentally she texted at the same time talking bout the environment. She replied,
:-D sabay tau nagtxt. Funny it still hapens. Its nice noh ^-^
I thought to myself, yeah it still does but why?
A lot of small talks after, even this morning. It says in the song that I love her beyond the reason why. Hehe. Okay this is too much hopelessly romanticism. Jogging muna ako, to remove some idleness. As they say, an idle mind is the devil's playground, dunno if this is biblical though hehe. Enlighten me.
On the side note, a former textmate texted me out of the blue and asked me to take her to church. I thought to myself, hmmm, this is weird. I replied, sure, alabang morning next sunday.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Challenge
The Lord has been so good to me, and I praise him and do not take these things for granted.
A friend of mine told me, "Wala ng challenge, she's showing that she's still so in to you... and taking advantage of the fact that you love her soooo much", and I told her, "yeah, somewhat like that. Well the feeling she shows to me doesn't take away the fact that she still has someone else."
I already forgave her but the trust will be hard to rebuild, it's not something you can just pop out and say you trust that person. When a stranger comes into a your life, you don't trust him/her instantly right? It's a process, and when it's already there and given, we take care of it because we know that it's so difficult to rebuild when it's broken.
I thought to myself, it did remove the challenge when she said she still loves me and her words, as simple as they may sound, are starting to bind me again. My God, deal with her first, and if it is Your will to be us in the end, I will pursue her again but until that day, my heart is open.
I pray to God that He will give me the person who will enjoy doing things with me, who will not be burdened trying to cope with me. When we broke up, it was a shocking revelation to me when she said that she did many things just to please me, like watching naruto, swimming, running, buying a laptop, and the likes. Lord, I didn't know all these things, am I blind? Why did I see those things as something she loves doing, and not something she's doing because of me? When she said that to me, she became a complete stranger, and the remaining teeeny tiny trust that was left when she went for some rag has been destroyed in the process. I asked God, how can I love someone who I cannot trust?
Eventually I let go of her, and I said to God, I lift it all to you, I don't know how she can prove herself and how I can give back my trust to her... kayo na po bahala sa akin. It will be beyond my understanding again, and if destiny bring us to no more than friendship, I'll accept it.
On the side note, I watched hairspray the other night and it was a good movie. I thought it was boring, but it taught me a lot and beyond the dancing, singing, and racism, there are implicit meanings on how married people understand each other.
A friend of mine told me, "Wala ng challenge, she's showing that she's still so in to you... and taking advantage of the fact that you love her soooo much", and I told her, "yeah, somewhat like that. Well the feeling she shows to me doesn't take away the fact that she still has someone else."
I already forgave her but the trust will be hard to rebuild, it's not something you can just pop out and say you trust that person. When a stranger comes into a your life, you don't trust him/her instantly right? It's a process, and when it's already there and given, we take care of it because we know that it's so difficult to rebuild when it's broken.
I thought to myself, it did remove the challenge when she said she still loves me and her words, as simple as they may sound, are starting to bind me again. My God, deal with her first, and if it is Your will to be us in the end, I will pursue her again but until that day, my heart is open.
I pray to God that He will give me the person who will enjoy doing things with me, who will not be burdened trying to cope with me. When we broke up, it was a shocking revelation to me when she said that she did many things just to please me, like watching naruto, swimming, running, buying a laptop, and the likes. Lord, I didn't know all these things, am I blind? Why did I see those things as something she loves doing, and not something she's doing because of me? When she said that to me, she became a complete stranger, and the remaining teeeny tiny trust that was left when she went for some rag has been destroyed in the process. I asked God, how can I love someone who I cannot trust?
Eventually I let go of her, and I said to God, I lift it all to you, I don't know how she can prove herself and how I can give back my trust to her... kayo na po bahala sa akin. It will be beyond my understanding again, and if destiny bring us to no more than friendship, I'll accept it.
On the side note, I watched hairspray the other night and it was a good movie. I thought it was boring, but it taught me a lot and beyond the dancing, singing, and racism, there are implicit meanings on how married people understand each other.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Mushy-ness
Embracing a weakness and turning it to strength is quite hard. It's like placing a burning charcoal into your hands and waiting for it to cool down which usually takes a long time. Of course, the usual thing to do is to drop it because you're going to get burned! But I realized that I don't have to let go of it, I just have to place it in God's hands and let Him hold it until it becomes my strength.
It surprises me that people suddenly confide, there was a time that I blocked them all off (during my drifting life), because it is a weakness, and I don't like weaknesses back then, I throw it all off instantly without even thinking. It's the guarding my heart thing again which went a little too far. I don't even know why they have the confidence to come to me, tell me their secrets, and pour down their depressions on me.
It blows my mind that even her, my you know what, is still confiding in me only after a few days/weeks after THE event, it's just not the norm to be the same person to comfort her!! Even people I don't know personally suddenly tell me their problems. I'm not complaining though, I thank God that they trust me. I've been a compilation of secrets of many people, and they know that I don't spill secrets if they explicitly tell me not to tell anyone. Well for one thing, I forget those secrets anyway, so it's safe in the back of my mind.
Most of them are women. My weakness. To give-in, to remain passive, to get carried away by emotions. I'm embracing my weakness and let God turn it to strength, and I won't let this hinder myself again to give them advice and to remain platonic.
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
--2 Cor 12:9-10
It surprises me that people suddenly confide, there was a time that I blocked them all off (during my drifting life), because it is a weakness, and I don't like weaknesses back then, I throw it all off instantly without even thinking. It's the guarding my heart thing again which went a little too far. I don't even know why they have the confidence to come to me, tell me their secrets, and pour down their depressions on me.
It blows my mind that even her, my you know what, is still confiding in me only after a few days/weeks after THE event, it's just not the norm to be the same person to comfort her!! Even people I don't know personally suddenly tell me their problems. I'm not complaining though, I thank God that they trust me. I've been a compilation of secrets of many people, and they know that I don't spill secrets if they explicitly tell me not to tell anyone. Well for one thing, I forget those secrets anyway, so it's safe in the back of my mind.
Most of them are women. My weakness. To give-in, to remain passive, to get carried away by emotions. I'm embracing my weakness and let God turn it to strength, and I won't let this hinder myself again to give them advice and to remain platonic.
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
--2 Cor 12:9-10
Sunday, August 19, 2007
A Possible Action
I've been saying that I'm not hoping that she will come back, but looking at the situation now, it is getting more than just a possibility... it's probable! Sometimes I'm a fan of 'Crossing the bridge when you get there' because when I prepare too much, it stirs up my emotions and keeps me hoping. God wants me to be prepared on whatever things that will happen in my life, so now I'll think of a possible action. Not to be too negative but based from experience, plans are just a guide, and most of the times the reality will deviate from the plan, but it's good to have one and ask God for wisdom so that you won't get lost or be caught off-guard.
Okay here's my guide. I am willing to accept her back in my life, to love her again, and to risk of getting hurt again but... okay here's a big BUT hehehe... I'm going to give her time with herself and God. Just last night she texted me again
(Name)!! Last na to. Di dpat sa txt. Gs2 q lng sabihin, mahal kita. Pero ayaw na kita guluhin at habulin. Bahala na c lord sakn. I remembr d scent of ur hair clay.
And my reply to her was of course, that I love her too, but I made it clear to her and said that I won't love her again above God, ever.
She said that her biggest sin ever is being selfish. May God reveal more of it and deal with her. I don't want her back for the wrong reasons. So how do I know if it is a wrong reason? If she comes back to me and say again that she can't imagine herself being single, if there are signs of being impatient again, because I don't want to be pressured and lose focus on God again. Am I being selfish when I said that? To demand from God to give me who can make me happy and share the purpose of loving Him?
And if during the long time she can wait, and not find another guy, I will pursue her again and I'll know that she is the one destined for me. This revelation is really a big one, and I'm still asking God to reveal more of His will for me and I will follow Him.
A friend of mine said to me that as a person who observed the process from a third person's point of view, that now I am so better off without her. I know it took a lot of courage to say that to my face and it made me think and reassess myself, 'Am I still consumed by her?' My friend told me that I have to really let go and not get back to the rope if it dangles again in front of me, and let God put the rope back in my hands if it's really for me.
I'm all for that! I don't want to do it on my own again, don't want to rely on my own strength because it will be futile. Just as I let God deal with me when I was letting go of her, I'll let God handle this and every situation that will come in my life. I'll wait, I'm not impatient, I will commit or promise nothing to anyone until I pursue the girl of my dreams. I'll enjoy my singlehood (while it lasts, bwahahahaha).
Okay here's my guide. I am willing to accept her back in my life, to love her again, and to risk of getting hurt again but... okay here's a big BUT hehehe... I'm going to give her time with herself and God. Just last night she texted me again
(Name)!! Last na to. Di dpat sa txt. Gs2 q lng sabihin, mahal kita. Pero ayaw na kita guluhin at habulin. Bahala na c lord sakn. I remembr d scent of ur hair clay.
And my reply to her was of course, that I love her too, but I made it clear to her and said that I won't love her again above God, ever.
She said that her biggest sin ever is being selfish. May God reveal more of it and deal with her. I don't want her back for the wrong reasons. So how do I know if it is a wrong reason? If she comes back to me and say again that she can't imagine herself being single, if there are signs of being impatient again, because I don't want to be pressured and lose focus on God again. Am I being selfish when I said that? To demand from God to give me who can make me happy and share the purpose of loving Him?
And if during the long time she can wait, and not find another guy, I will pursue her again and I'll know that she is the one destined for me. This revelation is really a big one, and I'm still asking God to reveal more of His will for me and I will follow Him.
A friend of mine said to me that as a person who observed the process from a third person's point of view, that now I am so better off without her. I know it took a lot of courage to say that to my face and it made me think and reassess myself, 'Am I still consumed by her?' My friend told me that I have to really let go and not get back to the rope if it dangles again in front of me, and let God put the rope back in my hands if it's really for me.
I'm all for that! I don't want to do it on my own again, don't want to rely on my own strength because it will be futile. Just as I let God deal with me when I was letting go of her, I'll let God handle this and every situation that will come in my life. I'll wait, I'm not impatient, I will commit or promise nothing to anyone until I pursue the girl of my dreams. I'll enjoy my singlehood (while it lasts, bwahahahaha).
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Twist of Fate
Everything happens for a reason. There may be some things we may not comprehend and leave us with more questions like 'Why did it happen? What is the purpose of that event to take place'. We may not understand it and no matter how small we think it may be, it still contributes to this destiny which God has designed especially for each and everyone of us and surely he will reveal to us his good, pleasing, and perfect plan.
Friday night, I had two options, two gimiks to which I have the freedom to choose which one I'd attend to. One gimik was with my officemate batchmates, close friends really, we are a strong batch, they planned to go to a bar, to drink, dance, and meet new people. The other one was with the group of godly friends who planned to have a gimik at serendra, just a simple get together, they didn't even tell me the reason for the said gimik.
It was not really a hard choice for me, and I thank God for a very thick line. It was like choosing heaven from hell, hahaha! Of course I chose to go with my godly friends and happily dispose the fact that I won't be going with my batchmates (but I was thinking that this was my chance to dance. I said in my past entry here that I always wanted to dance).
Suddenly, at the last moment before I logged out of our office, a friend of mine texted me and said that the party has been postponed to a date no one knows, and again, I was left with no reason why the gimik has been cancelled. Even though my mind was already set not to go with my batchmates, eventually, I decided to go with them to metro walk. This is a cheap place to gimik, well relatively, they planned it to be here so that we won't shell out too much cash.
We got there, thankfully, one of us had brought a car so we had no problems going there. When we reached the place, we strolled, looked for a place, then suddenly a particular voice resonated across the empty space and echoed my name, '(name)!!'. With a second's thought, 'this voice is very familiar' and when I turned my head, my eyes catched her unforgettable face and frizzly hair... it was her, and for some twisted reason destiny needed to bring us in the same place at the same time again for the motive I cannot even begin to imagine.
Both parties were stunned, as in literally, they were looking at us, certainly knowing what happened between the two of us. All I can say was, 'Oy... (name)', and there was silence for a long time, my eyes was focused on her, in the same way she was on mine, and for a moment there, the world stopped, and slowly regain its pace as I walked away from her still our sight cannot be separated, and I can also see her you know what frowned, not even a smile can be seen on his face and kept looking incessantly on other directions.
I saw her eyes, and it was like the eyes of a child who saw her gift. It sparkled and it didn't loose focus for a very long time. We had no more words to say other than our names, but still had a complete conversation just by looking at each other's eyes. I felt a shiver ran up my spine and I almost wanted to collapse, but of course I didn't and regained control.
Once again, I was bombarded with questions from my friends. I just said to them, 'Guys, I'm ok! Really!' Did it ruin my night? Hmm, maybe I could say that because she remained in my head for quite some time. The thought didn't really irritated me, but the fact remained that if we didn't meet there, she wouldn't have played in my mind during the entire course of our gimik. My friend who brought the car was apologizing to me when we went to the cr, he kept saying, 'tol, sorry talaga, kung nakapag dinner pa tayo ng mas matagal, kung hindi tayo na traffic' and all the circumstances that should have happened for us to avoid that situation. I just replied, 'Yeah, I shouldn't be here in the first place (thinking that I should be with my other group of friends), but no regrets... it happened for a reason'
Well at least I get to dance! This was something new in my life, to dance, and it felt good! I must admit that I drank a little, but not to get wasted of course.
Shocking text conversations with you just this morning, and I'm blogging this while you are replying hehehe:
Me: ..I was trying to look straight at your guy, but he kept looking on other directions.. I danced!
You: :-) yeah I know u lookd at him coz I saw u. he kept on saying na u wudn't luk at him
Me: Oh come on, well u r my witness =j tnx, also a friend of mine, hehe, sabi nya he can't smile at d daw mapakali and can't look at me, Ahihihi, d naman ako intimidating dba?
You: Ganun talaga pag insecure :-D
Wait!! Hold that thought, why is she defending me, and why is she talking like that about her boyfriend??? Sheesh
You: You look gud and I mis u ='(
Ahehehe, buti nalang nag ayos ako nun... sabi nga ng officemate ko, I looked good last night, bagay daw sakin rugged look plus the matching goti. ahahaha! Prior to that, our maid told me that I looked good too, parang Turko daw. hahahaha! Ang galing ng timing mo Lord!
You: U changd
Me: umm, kaw dn... Ano ung change ko for u? Did i become worsE??
You: More expresiv and u give attnt to smal things na. me?
Me: Umm... less expressions, but your eyes looked like the eyes of a child who saw her gift... and I already felt a complete conversation w u when we looked at each other's eyes. hehe Or is it just me hahahaha. feeler ako
You: I never wantd to be more stoic n lyf dan now
You: I miss watching u ridicule ppl, and me also, and me teling u my latest crazy trivial discovery. I kip n thinking how gud it wud be now dat ur lyk dat bt d mangyayare until we parted ways.
Oh crap... Lord, this is the time... you have prepared me for this
I replied some mushy statements and some godly words, a little of my testimony, and how I want to help her, and we (christian friends) have never forsaken her, and still love her no less.
My only mistake was I got carried away, and I told her what to do. Lord, you taught me that it is really not helpful if I tell someone what to do, but I got tired of her whining, antagal na!! I can still sense much pride in her, Lord, may you deal with her po.
You: One, u have to stop teling me wat to do, its anoying. I know what I have to do, it's a rebelion thing, im finding my place. Found a celgrp na, Im mean bt Im leaving mickey eventuali. cant have an insecure husband, and non xtian kids.
Got mixed emotions, first I'm surprised by her reply. I'm happy that she's waking up. U have to stop teling me wat to do, its anoying... ang galing! she is becoming the she who God has given me (but it's still blurred if she really wants me back in her life, am I dense?), someone who is STRONG but still needs caring. Im mean bt Im leaving mickey eventuali Ummm... this one I'm a little sad, I mean, it's so sad to see a person be treated like an object, something you can let go just like that. I mean, she dumped me just like that, and she will dump him just like that... Lord, deal with her. I love her so much my Lord, mold her to be the person who can give up her pride, who can love you with all she is, and be removed from all her yoke with this world, including her attachment to me, and love you without any hindrances.
You: I'm selfish. My bigest sin probably, Ever. D one I kip repeating - luking after me again.
May this be dealt with and be true to you.
My Lord, please prepare my heart, to truly forgive and love selflessly and unconditionally if you still destined her to be the one for me, because it is hard but I want to do it for You (ayoko mag assume even if all the signs are pointing to her). The world will persecute me for this, because for them, I'm a foolish person to still love her after all that, but forgive them for they do not understand my Lord. My faith is not in them, but only to you, my One and Only. Little did I know that a thirty second look at her eyes can reveal so much and what I thought was hell (the gimik), became a revelation to my destiny.
It's funny God, when I already moved on, when You have already prepared my heart to accept and love someone else, when I'm not impatient anymore of her awakening, it's when you give back what you have taken away. I praise You again, for your ways are higher. I don't even have to do so much, kayo na po ang gumawa! But I won't let this experience make me lazy, and be passive again but instead to have a stronger faith and have a deeper relationship with You and know that worrying is not for me, and know that now, I can TRULY surrender EVERYTHING and EVERYTHING to you. I want More of You, less of Me.
One good day comin up! You never cease to surprise and amaze me.
Friday night, I had two options, two gimiks to which I have the freedom to choose which one I'd attend to. One gimik was with my officemate batchmates, close friends really, we are a strong batch, they planned to go to a bar, to drink, dance, and meet new people. The other one was with the group of godly friends who planned to have a gimik at serendra, just a simple get together, they didn't even tell me the reason for the said gimik.
It was not really a hard choice for me, and I thank God for a very thick line. It was like choosing heaven from hell, hahaha! Of course I chose to go with my godly friends and happily dispose the fact that I won't be going with my batchmates (but I was thinking that this was my chance to dance. I said in my past entry here that I always wanted to dance).
Suddenly, at the last moment before I logged out of our office, a friend of mine texted me and said that the party has been postponed to a date no one knows, and again, I was left with no reason why the gimik has been cancelled. Even though my mind was already set not to go with my batchmates, eventually, I decided to go with them to metro walk. This is a cheap place to gimik, well relatively, they planned it to be here so that we won't shell out too much cash.
We got there, thankfully, one of us had brought a car so we had no problems going there. When we reached the place, we strolled, looked for a place, then suddenly a particular voice resonated across the empty space and echoed my name, '(name)!!'. With a second's thought, 'this voice is very familiar' and when I turned my head, my eyes catched her unforgettable face and frizzly hair... it was her, and for some twisted reason destiny needed to bring us in the same place at the same time again for the motive I cannot even begin to imagine.
Both parties were stunned, as in literally, they were looking at us, certainly knowing what happened between the two of us. All I can say was, 'Oy... (name)', and there was silence for a long time, my eyes was focused on her, in the same way she was on mine, and for a moment there, the world stopped, and slowly regain its pace as I walked away from her still our sight cannot be separated, and I can also see her you know what frowned, not even a smile can be seen on his face and kept looking incessantly on other directions.
I saw her eyes, and it was like the eyes of a child who saw her gift. It sparkled and it didn't loose focus for a very long time. We had no more words to say other than our names, but still had a complete conversation just by looking at each other's eyes. I felt a shiver ran up my spine and I almost wanted to collapse, but of course I didn't and regained control.
Once again, I was bombarded with questions from my friends. I just said to them, 'Guys, I'm ok! Really!' Did it ruin my night? Hmm, maybe I could say that because she remained in my head for quite some time. The thought didn't really irritated me, but the fact remained that if we didn't meet there, she wouldn't have played in my mind during the entire course of our gimik. My friend who brought the car was apologizing to me when we went to the cr, he kept saying, 'tol, sorry talaga, kung nakapag dinner pa tayo ng mas matagal, kung hindi tayo na traffic' and all the circumstances that should have happened for us to avoid that situation. I just replied, 'Yeah, I shouldn't be here in the first place (thinking that I should be with my other group of friends), but no regrets... it happened for a reason'
Well at least I get to dance! This was something new in my life, to dance, and it felt good! I must admit that I drank a little, but not to get wasted of course.
Shocking text conversations with you just this morning, and I'm blogging this while you are replying hehehe:
Me: ..I was trying to look straight at your guy, but he kept looking on other directions.. I danced!
You: :-) yeah I know u lookd at him coz I saw u. he kept on saying na u wudn't luk at him
Me: Oh come on, well u r my witness =j tnx, also a friend of mine, hehe, sabi nya he can't smile at d daw mapakali and can't look at me, Ahihihi, d naman ako intimidating dba?
You: Ganun talaga pag insecure :-D
Wait!! Hold that thought, why is she defending me, and why is she talking like that about her boyfriend??? Sheesh
You: You look gud and I mis u ='(
Ahehehe, buti nalang nag ayos ako nun... sabi nga ng officemate ko, I looked good last night, bagay daw sakin rugged look plus the matching goti. ahahaha! Prior to that, our maid told me that I looked good too, parang Turko daw. hahahaha! Ang galing ng timing mo Lord!
You: U changd
Me: umm, kaw dn... Ano ung change ko for u? Did i become worsE??
You: More expresiv and u give attnt to smal things na. me?
Me: Umm... less expressions, but your eyes looked like the eyes of a child who saw her gift... and I already felt a complete conversation w u when we looked at each other's eyes. hehe Or is it just me hahahaha. feeler ako
You: I never wantd to be more stoic n lyf dan now
You: I miss watching u ridicule ppl, and me also, and me teling u my latest crazy trivial discovery. I kip n thinking how gud it wud be now dat ur lyk dat bt d mangyayare until we parted ways.
Oh crap... Lord, this is the time... you have prepared me for this
I replied some mushy statements and some godly words, a little of my testimony, and how I want to help her, and we (christian friends) have never forsaken her, and still love her no less.
My only mistake was I got carried away, and I told her what to do. Lord, you taught me that it is really not helpful if I tell someone what to do, but I got tired of her whining, antagal na!! I can still sense much pride in her, Lord, may you deal with her po.
You: One, u have to stop teling me wat to do, its anoying. I know what I have to do, it's a rebelion thing, im finding my place. Found a celgrp na, Im mean bt Im leaving mickey eventuali. cant have an insecure husband, and non xtian kids.
Got mixed emotions, first I'm surprised by her reply. I'm happy that she's waking up. U have to stop teling me wat to do, its anoying... ang galing! she is becoming the she who God has given me (but it's still blurred if she really wants me back in her life, am I dense?), someone who is STRONG but still needs caring. Im mean bt Im leaving mickey eventuali Ummm... this one I'm a little sad, I mean, it's so sad to see a person be treated like an object, something you can let go just like that. I mean, she dumped me just like that, and she will dump him just like that... Lord, deal with her. I love her so much my Lord, mold her to be the person who can give up her pride, who can love you with all she is, and be removed from all her yoke with this world, including her attachment to me, and love you without any hindrances.
You: I'm selfish. My bigest sin probably, Ever. D one I kip repeating - luking after me again.
May this be dealt with and be true to you.
My Lord, please prepare my heart, to truly forgive and love selflessly and unconditionally if you still destined her to be the one for me, because it is hard but I want to do it for You (ayoko mag assume even if all the signs are pointing to her). The world will persecute me for this, because for them, I'm a foolish person to still love her after all that, but forgive them for they do not understand my Lord. My faith is not in them, but only to you, my One and Only. Little did I know that a thirty second look at her eyes can reveal so much and what I thought was hell (the gimik), became a revelation to my destiny.
It's funny God, when I already moved on, when You have already prepared my heart to accept and love someone else, when I'm not impatient anymore of her awakening, it's when you give back what you have taken away. I praise You again, for your ways are higher. I don't even have to do so much, kayo na po ang gumawa! But I won't let this experience make me lazy, and be passive again but instead to have a stronger faith and have a deeper relationship with You and know that worrying is not for me, and know that now, I can TRULY surrender EVERYTHING and EVERYTHING to you. I want More of You, less of Me.
One good day comin up! You never cease to surprise and amaze me.
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