After God molded me, the enemy wants me back. It knows my weaknesses and everyday it tries to invite me.
Earlier, after brushing my teeth, an officemate asked me out of the blue, "Bitter ka no?", and I said "Huh? no, why do you ask?", he asked for no reason, just to test me if I would give in. I just said to him that "I'll think about what you said because no matter what I say to you, I cannot convince you". I asked him, "do you keep bitterness?", and he said yes, a lot of it. I just encouraged him and knew why he asked me the question in the first place.
I had a chat with one of my girl officemates who tried to convince me that I'm still not over her. Hehehe. She asked me, do you miss her, I said at times yes of course, 6 years is a long time! Another question, when you wake-up, do you think of her? I said yes, because everyday since the day my God freed me, I thank Him that I can continue with my life without her and of course, it can't be helped that she comes into my mind. She asked me again, "and you still love her after all that?", I said yes, because she's my friend. From that, my officemate concluded I'm still not over her and I'm a martyr and a hopelessly romantic freak hahaha!
In this world, does it really mean that when you still miss someone that you are still not over him/her? Maybe the more appropriate term is that I'm moving on and I can continue with my life without her because I already surrendered her to God.
That is my first weakness, to wallow in self pitty. It was tested and I'm still good.
A girl is texting me again after she found out that "she" and I are no more. This girl asked me to be her you know what during the time I'm still madly in love with "her" but I refused. Not because I thought about God, but because I thought about her and I wanted to guard my heart for "her". I rejected her and said, my heart already belongs to someone else, and she stopped communicating with me. It saved me before but my motive was wrong.
A girl in the office catched my eyes while I was walking down the aisle. I thought to myself, wow, she's really nice and pretty. Could she be the one? I don't even know if she's a Christian. The point is, I was tempted to court her even if I don't know if she's good with God.
This is my second weakness, women. I sense a lot of tests on this one because they are everywhere. The world is where you don't have to do anything to have a girlfriend/boyfriend, just stay passive and give-in to the opposite sex and before you know it, you're already in too deep, and slowly it will destroy your relationships, your future, and your closeness to God.
You are already running away from the people who can help you, the enemy will tell you to avoid surrounding yourself with godly friends, to seek advice from the people who have the answer you want to hear so that you may feel good about your false decisions. You see the church as legalistic, and you try to justify your actions with too much thinking even if deep inside you know it's wrong, you will just ignore it and try to move on and hope later you will be okay and someday wake-up. You keep on running and running until you are already on a far away place but find out that you can't escape from yourself. A blind faith. To have a first hand experience on this, I can say that it may seem okay to live like this because I didn't notice that my life was going down the drain until it worsened. To remain focused on a thing which is not God and hope that the thing you are holding on to will last forever, but it won't, it may last years but it won't last forever.
Now, I despise this deceitful feeling. God has already disciplined me and showed me that just by being passive, I was already sinning. I will take this lesson by heart and won't let it just turn into old memories.
It's hard to move on when there are people who push you towards bitterness and lies. Buti nalang andyan ka. I'll surround myself with Christian friends, people who can push me towards God.
On the side note, I texted one of my friends in galleria who is a leader there. I said to him, "I don't like children, I don't know how to deal with them, act and talk in front of them but I want to learn. Is it still possible for me to join the kid's church?", I'm not really expecting a straight answer, but he replied, "Sure!! If you want, you can observe first. Let's start this sunday.", wow, ambilis. Hehehe. I'm excited for this, I'm grabbing this opportunity that God presented me and won't remain passive about it and continue with my life ignoring or taking for granted things that come from Him.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Sunday, July 29, 2007
The Parable of the Jelly
There was once a firm jelly. This jelly was indeed solid because it was molded by the perfect hand. After a lot of tedious preparation, the maker decided to put the jelly in a bowl of hot soup. The jelly seemed pretty tough and able to withstand the pressure and the immensity, but later, the maker saw that it started to break-down and started becoming one with the soup. The maker decided to get the jelly out, but the soft jelly kept on sliding off his hands and returned to the soup, until later, the jelly managed to cling on to his hands. The jelly was a mess, but the maker only saw the perfect jelly he created earlier. He was able to restore the jelly, but this time it was a hundred times firmer.
Haha! Cute! It just passed through my head, and decided to write it down.
Haha! Cute! It just passed through my head, and decided to write it down.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
An Experience
Wow, now I can just say, what happened to me was an experience worth riding. This experience got me closer to my friends I consciously avoid, and more importantly it drew me closer to God. I ward off people in the wrong manner, always thinking that, oh I don't want to be attached to anyone so I can guard my heart for her. Even took this to the next level and passively avoided men. Well it worked, I remained loyal, but it hindered me to reach out to people, to listen to their story, and to give them advice that they were yearning for.
It taught me a lot, as in A LOT. I can only imagine if this wouldn't have happened to me. My life would still be drifting, drifting away from God. It was a phase of my awakening and spiritual maturity. I remembered more than a year ago when I wrote this blog entry, when my life was going too perfect. It remained that way for so long that my attitude towards the big test has changed! I became afraid because I knew it will be a big one, but I ignored it and said, I'll deal with it later. When the storm came, it shook my foundation and I almost gave-up. But my faith has healed me. I don't want to go back, I don't want even to look back, I might turn into salt! Haha!
To become one with the pattern, one with the world has been huge temptation! I don't want the feeling where I was contented with my drifting life, and was completely prepared to continue living with a so so belief. It felt good but that kind of fire can only last so long, and I knew that deep in me, I was yearning for a godly life because I'm already saved. Passiveness had been my character and it became the reason for my contentment. I passively chose that life that I would have regret and remained contented about it. I praise him for he has molded me, disciplined me, and dealt with my passiveness. In the same way God is molding other people. It may not be passiveness but characteristics that become hindrances to experience the fullness of Him. It could be impulsiveness and being emotional too hehehe. Someone out there may impulsively choose a life that he/she will regret but God has a way to break that.
It's unexpected that this experience became my greatest testimony so far. Lord!!! You gave me the testimony I've always been asking for. I shared this to other people and many were amazed by what happened, surprisingly, many can relate and desired my advice, an advice aligned to God's. Some were doubtful if they could do the same thing. Those who could only imagine said that they wanted to reach the same level of maturity, that they wanted to experience tests. They'll get there, I felt the same way too. So many times that this testimony became an entry point to share the gospel, and I'm excited for more!
I can come out of my shell now and not be afraid to get close with the people around me. I'm not having second thoughts to flaunt God for the fear of they'll just see me as a religious freak. I'll embrace that identity to the world for God even if it means persecution and rejection. I won't remain passive because I love my God above my old identity. This is my revelation, among the many others.
I'm just encouraged by this passage in Hebrews 12:
It taught me a lot, as in A LOT. I can only imagine if this wouldn't have happened to me. My life would still be drifting, drifting away from God. It was a phase of my awakening and spiritual maturity. I remembered more than a year ago when I wrote this blog entry, when my life was going too perfect. It remained that way for so long that my attitude towards the big test has changed! I became afraid because I knew it will be a big one, but I ignored it and said, I'll deal with it later. When the storm came, it shook my foundation and I almost gave-up. But my faith has healed me. I don't want to go back, I don't want even to look back, I might turn into salt! Haha!
To become one with the pattern, one with the world has been huge temptation! I don't want the feeling where I was contented with my drifting life, and was completely prepared to continue living with a so so belief. It felt good but that kind of fire can only last so long, and I knew that deep in me, I was yearning for a godly life because I'm already saved. Passiveness had been my character and it became the reason for my contentment. I passively chose that life that I would have regret and remained contented about it. I praise him for he has molded me, disciplined me, and dealt with my passiveness. In the same way God is molding other people. It may not be passiveness but characteristics that become hindrances to experience the fullness of Him. It could be impulsiveness and being emotional too hehehe. Someone out there may impulsively choose a life that he/she will regret but God has a way to break that.
It's unexpected that this experience became my greatest testimony so far. Lord!!! You gave me the testimony I've always been asking for. I shared this to other people and many were amazed by what happened, surprisingly, many can relate and desired my advice, an advice aligned to God's. Some were doubtful if they could do the same thing. Those who could only imagine said that they wanted to reach the same level of maturity, that they wanted to experience tests. They'll get there, I felt the same way too. So many times that this testimony became an entry point to share the gospel, and I'm excited for more!
I can come out of my shell now and not be afraid to get close with the people around me. I'm not having second thoughts to flaunt God for the fear of they'll just see me as a religious freak. I'll embrace that identity to the world for God even if it means persecution and rejection. I won't remain passive because I love my God above my old identity. This is my revelation, among the many others.
I'm just encouraged by this passage in Hebrews 12:
God Disciplines His Sons
...
4In your struggle against
sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5And you
have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
6because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."
7Endure hardship as
discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his
father? 8If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then
you are illegitimate children and not true sons. 9Moreover, we have all had
human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more
should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! 10Our fathers
disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us
for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11No discipline seems pleasant
at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of
righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
12Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. 13"Make level
paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Unequally Yoked
If there's an epitome for it, you would be it.
When a woman who is alive in Christ disobediently binds herself to an unbeliever, it is the same as amputating a leg from a corpse, then surgically attaching that dead, decaying appendage to her living body. The leg will never regenerate. Instead, it will cause infection and spread disease and poison throughout her entire being. And, she will have to live with the consequences of that action for the rest of her physical life.
Source: http://www.marriagemissions.com/premarriage/why_God_forbids.php
Ouch, that hurts and will hurt all the more. It may feel so right and so good this time.
Tonight we had a get together for our common friend and you brought him along with you. He's an okay guy, maybe everything that woman should need except only for the fact that he's not a Christian, hello?! ring a bell? Why don't you let God use you to save him.
Our friends cannot believe what they were seeing, that I'm really over you even if it only happened 2 weeks ago, and she has the guts to bring her unbeliever in front of me. Haha! Well, they still do not believe I'm over you, I'll explain to them in due time.
Tonight I just saw a confused person, I repent for thinking that you are already lost. I offended you because of your little insecurities, which I didn't mean to do, but I forgot, Lord, she's really not secured in you and I am really dealing with a confused person and can't just joke my way into it. I already said sorry to God and to you for being dense.
It may be weeks, months, or even years before you wake-up from your fantasy, well maybe until the sufferings are heart-felt. Breaking that connection with you doesn't make me grow impatient anymore. I just lay it all to God, and use me whenever he can and not force my way into your life. But I don't know really if should still reply to your shallow texts and inquiry, but most of the time it serves as an entry point to say something about God, or am I just feeding your ego? Still asking God about it, if the reader of this entry has an advice for me, just text me, it will be very much appreciated.
On the side note, there is another new thing that happened to me this night. After the gimik, I went home, I had my keys but the maid hooked the lock that can only be unhooked inside the house. Only the maid is in the house and I can't wake her up no matter how hard I knock or slam the door! The entire neighborhood was literally awake except her. If there would have been a best "tulog-mantika" award, she would have won it! ... or maybe I would hahaha!
Guess what, for the first time in my entire life, I slept on the filthy and rugged floor outside our apartment. It should have been an aweful feeling, I should have been afraid because I was alone, but surprisingly, I enjoyed it and smiled while having my very quiet and alone time with Him in one of the most unusual situations of my life (if not the most). With my most uncomfortable position, my head was on the door, no cushioning, uneven, hard, rough and dusty surface, He was able to put me to sleep. In the midst of the circumstance, I was able to smile and find comfort in Him... a truly awesome thing that Christians share.
I just said some stuff to our maid this morning and forgave her. I should be actually thankful... Another new thing in my life, thank you my Lord.
On the not so far side note, she texted yesterday =) I appreciate it much, im much better now as a reply to what I did the other night which is in my previous blog entry.
Lord! I know you wouldn't give me someone who runs on impulses, does what she thinks is right even if you don't have a go signal, worse, if it's totally against your will. It's a big turn off to me. I have faith that you would give me someone who will love you more than she will ever love me, who is willing to surrender her pride, her situation, her everything to you even if it's very difficult to do so just to be in your purpose. We will push each other closer to you and fulfill your purpose together.
When a woman who is alive in Christ disobediently binds herself to an unbeliever, it is the same as amputating a leg from a corpse, then surgically attaching that dead, decaying appendage to her living body. The leg will never regenerate. Instead, it will cause infection and spread disease and poison throughout her entire being. And, she will have to live with the consequences of that action for the rest of her physical life.
Source: http://www.marriagemissions.com/premarriage/why_God_forbids.php
Ouch, that hurts and will hurt all the more. It may feel so right and so good this time.
Tonight we had a get together for our common friend and you brought him along with you. He's an okay guy, maybe everything that woman should need except only for the fact that he's not a Christian, hello?! ring a bell? Why don't you let God use you to save him.
Our friends cannot believe what they were seeing, that I'm really over you even if it only happened 2 weeks ago, and she has the guts to bring her unbeliever in front of me. Haha! Well, they still do not believe I'm over you, I'll explain to them in due time.
Tonight I just saw a confused person, I repent for thinking that you are already lost. I offended you because of your little insecurities, which I didn't mean to do, but I forgot, Lord, she's really not secured in you and I am really dealing with a confused person and can't just joke my way into it. I already said sorry to God and to you for being dense.
It may be weeks, months, or even years before you wake-up from your fantasy, well maybe until the sufferings are heart-felt. Breaking that connection with you doesn't make me grow impatient anymore. I just lay it all to God, and use me whenever he can and not force my way into your life. But I don't know really if should still reply to your shallow texts and inquiry, but most of the time it serves as an entry point to say something about God, or am I just feeding your ego? Still asking God about it, if the reader of this entry has an advice for me, just text me, it will be very much appreciated.
On the side note, there is another new thing that happened to me this night. After the gimik, I went home, I had my keys but the maid hooked the lock that can only be unhooked inside the house. Only the maid is in the house and I can't wake her up no matter how hard I knock or slam the door! The entire neighborhood was literally awake except her. If there would have been a best "tulog-mantika" award, she would have won it! ... or maybe I would hahaha!
Guess what, for the first time in my entire life, I slept on the filthy and rugged floor outside our apartment. It should have been an aweful feeling, I should have been afraid because I was alone, but surprisingly, I enjoyed it and smiled while having my very quiet and alone time with Him in one of the most unusual situations of my life (if not the most). With my most uncomfortable position, my head was on the door, no cushioning, uneven, hard, rough and dusty surface, He was able to put me to sleep. In the midst of the circumstance, I was able to smile and find comfort in Him... a truly awesome thing that Christians share.
I just said some stuff to our maid this morning and forgave her. I should be actually thankful... Another new thing in my life, thank you my Lord.
On the not so far side note, she texted yesterday =) I appreciate it much, im much better now as a reply to what I did the other night which is in my previous blog entry.
Lord! I know you wouldn't give me someone who runs on impulses, does what she thinks is right even if you don't have a go signal, worse, if it's totally against your will. It's a big turn off to me. I have faith that you would give me someone who will love you more than she will ever love me, who is willing to surrender her pride, her situation, her everything to you even if it's very difficult to do so just to be in your purpose. We will push each other closer to you and fulfill your purpose together.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
The most kilig moment of my life
We watched 'Love Actually' in iloilo last summer of 2006 (remember the line in the song, Christmas is all around us, and so the feeling grows!). There is this scene where the guy went to the girl's doorsteps and brought paper boards. He did not speak a word, but presented the boards with words to speak for him. Ever since I watched that movie, I've always wanted to do the same thing but couldn't find the right person.
I texted her earlier to ask if we could talk, that I've got to tell her something. But she was still not feeling well because she was rushed to the infirmary the night before because of allergy attack for eating chicken balls. She refused to talk with me today and then it hit me, wow, I can finally do that. God presented an opportunity to do something crazily fulfilling in my life, so I just went to national bookstore and bought 10pcs olso paper.
In each paper I wrote these in order:
1. Hello (name)!
2. Just wanna say...
3. It's nice to see...
4. that you're ok (after her allergy attack)
5. Advertisement: brought to you by God, ...awesome in glory -- tagline
6. No religious stuff tonight
7. Just came here to cheer you up (thinking because she's been like this for 3months now)
8. Take care!
9. >:D< -- a hug in YM, she knows this very well
10. + + + -- an expression in Sims and Sims2 which means positive reaction, she knows this very well too
I prayed to God, 'Lord, make this perfect', I just want to cheer her up, no rebuking, no religious stuff (except a little for the advertisement haha!). I texted her at 6:30pm, I just want to see if you're okay, it will just be quick and I'll be gone and won't say a word, promise. She did not reply and I thought, oh well, I guess these papers will just go to waste, but God if she still texts I will go. Time passed and I did not expect anymore and changed to my evening 'pambahay' clothes already.
9:30pm, a new message suddenly appeared. It is from her... Asan ka? Ligo lng. Sori nadedbatt. Oh great Lord, what a timing, I already changed my clothes, there is no more service in the subdivision, and no more ikot jeep. But I still jumped out of my seat, put my pants on, and went!
It's good that I saw a taxi in the subdivision and went to her straight bringing those stuff. When she came out of the door, I presented the papers one by one in sequence, and I was smiling wide! Hahaha! I did not say one word and kept my promise. The last piece which has a "+ + +" expression contains a message at the back for updates on some friends (including the persons who are allowed to read this blog). I put it above my head, kinda like what Sims normally do when they're happy, a "+ + +" sign appear on their head. Then I put it above her head and gave it to her. Hope she read the updates.
This is one of the craziest things I've ever done in my entire life, it may sound so corny but I'm happy and I made her smile, she texted later "+ + +" hehe. I didn't do this to get her back or anything, I just want to cheer her up and may it bring a little joy in her being lost and confused. I know that she has already someone else, and I've already surrendered my connection to her, haha! But honestly, kinilig parin ako while doing what I did! Hahahaha, sue me!
There are a lot of things I still want to do, and they're getting near, if possible I want to do something new weekly, or even daily! I want to ride a hot air balloon (got this from her), appreciate a live musical play, dance... I want to dance. I want to play basketball, and so on... asking God for ideas. I will be able to complete my list of ToDo's in time. I pray that God gives me someone to share those moments with because it's more fun to do it with someone you love :)
I texted her earlier to ask if we could talk, that I've got to tell her something. But she was still not feeling well because she was rushed to the infirmary the night before because of allergy attack for eating chicken balls. She refused to talk with me today and then it hit me, wow, I can finally do that. God presented an opportunity to do something crazily fulfilling in my life, so I just went to national bookstore and bought 10pcs olso paper.
In each paper I wrote these in order:
1. Hello (name)
2. Just wanna say...
3. It's nice to see...
4. that you're ok (after her allergy attack)
5. Advertisement: brought to you by God, ...awesome in glory -- tagline
6. No religious stuff tonight
7. Just came here to cheer you up (thinking because she's been like this for 3months now)
8. Take care!
9. >:D< -- a hug in YM, she knows this very well
10. + + + -- an expression in Sims and Sims2 which means positive reaction, she knows this very well too
I prayed to God, 'Lord, make this perfect', I just want to cheer her up, no rebuking, no religious stuff (except a little for the advertisement haha!). I texted her at 6:30pm, I just want to see if you're okay, it will just be quick and I'll be gone and won't say a word, promise. She did not reply and I thought, oh well, I guess these papers will just go to waste, but God if she still texts I will go. Time passed and I did not expect anymore and changed to my evening 'pambahay' clothes already.
9:30pm, a new message suddenly appeared. It is from her... Asan ka? Ligo lng. Sori nadedbatt. Oh great Lord, what a timing, I already changed my clothes, there is no more service in the subdivision, and no more ikot jeep. But I still jumped out of my seat, put my pants on, and went!
It's good that I saw a taxi in the subdivision and went to her straight bringing those stuff. When she came out of the door, I presented the papers one by one in sequence, and I was smiling wide! Hahaha! I did not say one word and kept my promise. The last piece which has a "+ + +" expression contains a message at the back for updates on some friends (including the persons who are allowed to read this blog). I put it above my head, kinda like what Sims normally do when they're happy, a "+ + +" sign appear on their head. Then I put it above her head and gave it to her. Hope she read the updates.
This is one of the craziest things I've ever done in my entire life, it may sound so corny but I'm happy and I made her smile, she texted later "+ + +" hehe. I didn't do this to get her back or anything, I just want to cheer her up and may it bring a little joy in her being lost and confused. I know that she has already someone else, and I've already surrendered my connection to her, haha! But honestly, kinilig parin ako while doing what I did! Hahahaha, sue me!
There are a lot of things I still want to do, and they're getting near, if possible I want to do something new weekly, or even daily! I want to ride a hot air balloon (got this from her), appreciate a live musical play, dance... I want to dance. I want to play basketball, and so on... asking God for ideas. I will be able to complete my list of ToDo's in time. I pray that God gives me someone to share those moments with because it's more fun to do it with someone you love :)
Today, I surrender
God revealed something new to me today... that I should surrender my connection with her. In my first blog entry here, I mentioned that this connection with her makes me "feel what she feels" which is nice if you think about it and gives some edge but that connection is an emotional attachment. God doesn't want me to be hard, but He wants me free.
I treasured this connection for a long time and it was a heavy revelation, but it's taking me hostage because I can't continue with life if I always feel her suffering. So today, I surrendered that so-called precious thing to God. I almost wanted to say that to her but I believe God is telling me that she will only suffer more, in due time... in God's timing.
I will still be here to push her to God until the very end, but I will not be held captive of that emotion, and continue living my life to the fullest of what God wants me to be. And hey, it will not be fair for my future wife. I want to prepare myself for her and reserve this attachment, to love her more than I have ever loved anyone, except God of course.
I treasured this connection for a long time and it was a heavy revelation, but it's taking me hostage because I can't continue with life if I always feel her suffering. So today, I surrendered that so-called precious thing to God. I almost wanted to say that to her but I believe God is telling me that she will only suffer more, in due time... in God's timing.
I will still be here to push her to God until the very end, but I will not be held captive of that emotion, and continue living my life to the fullest of what God wants me to be. And hey, it will not be fair for my future wife. I want to prepare myself for her and reserve this attachment, to love her more than I have ever loved anyone, except God of course.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
A Work in Progress
You texted me this morning,
Naiinis tuloy ako e. Arg. I wana blame u 4 everything. 4 y i am ly dis, trip lng. But in d end, its still my choice, Iniwan mu nanaman ako e. Making that choic to go bak to dat lyfstyl is easy. Simple lng e. Magddcide lng naman ako. bt lyf is different na. I'l go on ahead. It was a gud lyf dat im leaving behind. But im gona be ayt. God im so lost.
I was smiling at my workplace while reading your text message, and prayed, "Lord, thank you for working on her." and I replied some of the points in my first blog here, a little bit harsh but she needs it and I got tired of always saying flowery words and telling her that she's not a mess whenever she condemns herself. I still succumb to God's timing even if at times I grew impatient of her awakening. I have faith in you my Lord, she will draw near to you.
On the side note, it shocked me that you still have the guts to ask me for a favor, to buy a 200 peso gift certificate from bench fix as your gift to our friend. I still eagerly accepted and did it though because this will give me a chance to walk to your open door. I was talking to an officemate of mine and she said "Iba ka talaga magmahal" but I can't explain everything to her because it will just be bunch of religious stuff.
Are you hearing yourself? Yes, because you know you are so lost. You are not a baby anymore, do something about it. When you said "Iniwan mu nanaman ako e", I know you mean that I left you lost because you said to me that you envy me because God makes me happy, that it blows your mind that we have opposite passions. You said I left you again but I'm still here, you still say you are a mess even if we are righteous in His eyes because we have been saved, you said the decision is easy to go back yet you do nothing because something is still hindering you, you said you'll gonna be alright but you aren't getting any better. May you finally lift that up to our God, it's not worth it. My Lord, use us, her Christian friends, to align her thoughts. She thinks too much and rely too much on her knowledge, may she let You think for her.
Naiinis tuloy ako e. Arg. I wana blame u 4 everything. 4 y i am ly dis, trip lng. But in d end, its still my choice, Iniwan mu nanaman ako e. Making that choic to go bak to dat lyfstyl is easy. Simple lng e. Magddcide lng naman ako. bt lyf is different na. I'l go on ahead. It was a gud lyf dat im leaving behind. But im gona be ayt. God im so lost.
I was smiling at my workplace while reading your text message, and prayed, "Lord, thank you for working on her." and I replied some of the points in my first blog here, a little bit harsh but she needs it and I got tired of always saying flowery words and telling her that she's not a mess whenever she condemns herself. I still succumb to God's timing even if at times I grew impatient of her awakening. I have faith in you my Lord, she will draw near to you.
On the side note, it shocked me that you still have the guts to ask me for a favor, to buy a 200 peso gift certificate from bench fix as your gift to our friend. I still eagerly accepted and did it though because this will give me a chance to walk to your open door. I was talking to an officemate of mine and she said "Iba ka talaga magmahal" but I can't explain everything to her because it will just be bunch of religious stuff.
Are you hearing yourself? Yes, because you know you are so lost. You are not a baby anymore, do something about it. When you said "Iniwan mu nanaman ako e", I know you mean that I left you lost because you said to me that you envy me because God makes me happy, that it blows your mind that we have opposite passions. You said I left you again but I'm still here, you still say you are a mess even if we are righteous in His eyes because we have been saved, you said the decision is easy to go back yet you do nothing because something is still hindering you, you said you'll gonna be alright but you aren't getting any better. May you finally lift that up to our God, it's not worth it. My Lord, use us, her Christian friends, to align her thoughts. She thinks too much and rely too much on her knowledge, may she let You think for her.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
If you do comeback
I do not keep my hopes up that this will happen, but if in any case it still would, I will take care of you for the rest of my life.
I hope you realize that only god can satisfy your longing, your loneliness. Do not give up your purpose and be bounded by your emotions. As your friend, I will help you love god above anyone else, and this will give you security.
Yes, you are still a mess. Even before you said it to me, I already felt what you were feeling. This connection between us, the way we feel each other even if we are so far away from each other, is already common to us, and this does not shock us anymore. It will never be broken and it is a pain to feel your pain.
You are not okay, and still struggling to find yourself. You want to be back in god's embrace yet something is hindering you. It is the oddest feeling to still talk to you after all that, to still reply to your text messages, to be the same person to comfort you even if you left me for dead to a rag (no bitterness here, i'm telling the truth) but now that I love god much better than I love you. I even pray for your guy to be saved, that you two will have god in the center of your relationship. But I demand from God that you do not give your life to a lost, that you do not give into horrible ungodliness in ungodly relationships. That is my prayer.
Your true friends miss you, yet you still hide to your cave, you feel condemned even if we are righteous in God's eyes because we have been saved, you are with a non-christian guy and you know it's wrong yet you feel happy with him and everything else doesn't matter anymore. You reason out your impulsiveness and being emotional for the actions you've done even if you know that your reasons are nowhere near appropriate.
I'm shocked by your standards, your convictions, it's like I do not know you anymore. You have been out of your comfort zone for only four months and you already gave in. Where is her, the one who's so much on fire for God during the good times, the one who will always text me to read my bible, the one who was always ready to rebuke someone with a standard even slightly lower than God's. She's still in you, yet like the former me, your sin has covered her so badly that God cannot touch her.
Ironic as it may sound, it is your free will that will release you from your bondage, and like what you did to me when I was drifting, I will help you. Only this time it is much harder for me because the enemy knows my vulnerability, it's telling me that you deserve what you are getting, tempting me to hope that you two will have the worst time of your life, to curse you and that guy, that he is my insecurity, my enemy. But these are already clear to me because God opens my ear to listen and be critical.
Let me tell you something, you are not "in too deep" into anything until you are in too deep with God and if you do not realize this, it will forever haunt you, your thirst will never be quenched, and you will never be satisfied. There will always be something lacking.
Pour out your heart to God. I pray that you realize this not only in your mind but also in your heart and know what to do after realizing it because I don't want to see you suffer any longer. In every day of my life that I'm getting closer and closer to god, you are running farther away. Why are you telling me all these? You already realized many things in your mind, yet still you do not come back because to realize this in your mind is not enough. Deep in your heart you want to realize this but as I said, something is hindering you. I pray that God will have a way to remove that hindrance.
When you do realize this and love god again, and if God permits that you come back to me, I will forgive you and love you in utmost truth, because who am I to hate you even if I do not. If God took me back into his arms even after so much pain I caused him, I will do the same for you not out of pitty, but because I love you.
Still, I do not see myself growing old with somebody else, but If you do not love God, I do not deserve you and ask God for someone deserving of my love, someone who is on God's track. I hold on to his promises and not rely on false hopes.
Yes, I'm not keeping my hopes up that we'll still be back because I just put it in God's hands, and I know I'll be happy wherever he takes me, but I have faith in God that you will come back to Him. You were a firm jelly, but as much as that jelly wants to be firm, when she was dropped into a bowl of hot soup, it devoured her and started to make her soft.
I cannot tell you all of these now because you are fragile. It will not build you up until your realizations are true to you. This is your test of faith, and we cannot manipulate or control you, but we can still encourage you and push you towards god, and that's what I will do. In the end, it will still be up to you, to live for God, or to live for the world. Looking at it, this is a kid's stuff decision, and the answer is very obvious but because we are not children anymore, we complicate things, and it is not anymore a simple yes or no. Hmmm, is that the reason why God loves children? and the kingdom belongs to "such as these" (Luke 18:16). May your decision be not covered by the shroud of darkness, be like a child, go back to the basics and love god. May He reveal more of him and less of you in everyday of your life.
This is another revelation to me, among the many others. If you're reading this and you know me, I hope you appreciate that you are one of the handful I mentioned in my other blog, it's because I trust you and I know that you, my christian friend, will give me the an advice aligned to god's.
I hope you realize that only god can satisfy your longing, your loneliness. Do not give up your purpose and be bounded by your emotions. As your friend, I will help you love god above anyone else, and this will give you security.
Yes, you are still a mess. Even before you said it to me, I already felt what you were feeling. This connection between us, the way we feel each other even if we are so far away from each other, is already common to us, and this does not shock us anymore. It will never be broken and it is a pain to feel your pain.
You are not okay, and still struggling to find yourself. You want to be back in god's embrace yet something is hindering you. It is the oddest feeling to still talk to you after all that, to still reply to your text messages, to be the same person to comfort you even if you left me for dead to a rag (no bitterness here, i'm telling the truth) but now that I love god much better than I love you. I even pray for your guy to be saved, that you two will have god in the center of your relationship. But I demand from God that you do not give your life to a lost, that you do not give into horrible ungodliness in ungodly relationships. That is my prayer.
Your true friends miss you, yet you still hide to your cave, you feel condemned even if we are righteous in God's eyes because we have been saved, you are with a non-christian guy and you know it's wrong yet you feel happy with him and everything else doesn't matter anymore. You reason out your impulsiveness and being emotional for the actions you've done even if you know that your reasons are nowhere near appropriate.
I'm shocked by your standards, your convictions, it's like I do not know you anymore. You have been out of your comfort zone for only four months and you already gave in. Where is her, the one who's so much on fire for God during the good times, the one who will always text me to read my bible, the one who was always ready to rebuke someone with a standard even slightly lower than God's. She's still in you, yet like the former me, your sin has covered her so badly that God cannot touch her.
Ironic as it may sound, it is your free will that will release you from your bondage, and like what you did to me when I was drifting, I will help you. Only this time it is much harder for me because the enemy knows my vulnerability, it's telling me that you deserve what you are getting, tempting me to hope that you two will have the worst time of your life, to curse you and that guy, that he is my insecurity, my enemy. But these are already clear to me because God opens my ear to listen and be critical.
Let me tell you something, you are not "in too deep" into anything until you are in too deep with God and if you do not realize this, it will forever haunt you, your thirst will never be quenched, and you will never be satisfied. There will always be something lacking.
Pour out your heart to God. I pray that you realize this not only in your mind but also in your heart and know what to do after realizing it because I don't want to see you suffer any longer. In every day of my life that I'm getting closer and closer to god, you are running farther away. Why are you telling me all these? You already realized many things in your mind, yet still you do not come back because to realize this in your mind is not enough. Deep in your heart you want to realize this but as I said, something is hindering you. I pray that God will have a way to remove that hindrance.
When you do realize this and love god again, and if God permits that you come back to me, I will forgive you and love you in utmost truth, because who am I to hate you even if I do not. If God took me back into his arms even after so much pain I caused him, I will do the same for you not out of pitty, but because I love you.
Still, I do not see myself growing old with somebody else, but If you do not love God, I do not deserve you and ask God for someone deserving of my love, someone who is on God's track. I hold on to his promises and not rely on false hopes.
Yes, I'm not keeping my hopes up that we'll still be back because I just put it in God's hands, and I know I'll be happy wherever he takes me, but I have faith in God that you will come back to Him. You were a firm jelly, but as much as that jelly wants to be firm, when she was dropped into a bowl of hot soup, it devoured her and started to make her soft.
I cannot tell you all of these now because you are fragile. It will not build you up until your realizations are true to you. This is your test of faith, and we cannot manipulate or control you, but we can still encourage you and push you towards god, and that's what I will do. In the end, it will still be up to you, to live for God, or to live for the world. Looking at it, this is a kid's stuff decision, and the answer is very obvious but because we are not children anymore, we complicate things, and it is not anymore a simple yes or no. Hmmm, is that the reason why God loves children? and the kingdom belongs to "such as these" (Luke 18:16). May your decision be not covered by the shroud of darkness, be like a child, go back to the basics and love god. May He reveal more of him and less of you in everyday of your life.
This is another revelation to me, among the many others. If you're reading this and you know me, I hope you appreciate that you are one of the handful I mentioned in my other blog, it's because I trust you and I know that you, my christian friend, will give me the an advice aligned to god's.
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