My excitement does not come from a relationship anymore, but on everything that comes from Him, from the humblest to the most generous.
I just reaped a blessing yesterday because I sold my last item online, I never thought someone will buy our old camera. The Lord was able to sell all my items in just one month! On my way home while I was riding the jeep, it just struck me that I was so excited to give my tithe this sunday, for giving Him more than the usual. I never got excited for tithing, and he revealed to me WHY...
When I was still in a relationship, she always asked me, when will you gonna marry me. Not just one or two times, but a lot of times. I laid down my plans to her, but she was disappointed because it was just too long and even mocked me that she'll have a boyfriend first, and I was shocked because it was not a good joke for me, she said sorry but later I realized that there was some truth in her joke. The thing is she can't wait anymore even if she promised she'll wait (no bitterness here hehehe, I always said to her never to promise, just do it, but she said sorry for ruining my plans when she broke-up with me and honestly, I already forgave her).
Since I always remained passive whenever she asked me when to marry her, I never noticed that I was already put under the pressure of preparing for it because she badly wants it. For me it was just natural, but from where I stand now, it is not! Even though my convictions tell me that it is not yet time, my will continues to grind so that my plans can be hastened and we can get married. Yesterday, God revealed to me just that I was not healthy during my relationship with her because I kept focusing on my plans, and lost contact with the more important things in life, and lost excitement for God and took for granted things He gave because I was living each day as a pressure to save money and prepare for our future (main reason I didn't get excited for my tithe).
I don't blame her for this because it was my choice and my passiveness that melt me down. I tried to hold on to her and sacrificed my standards because I thought she's worth more than anything and I couldn't surrender her to God so I just went on with my life and thought I was happy with her and nothing else mattered. I never thought I could live without her, but God opened my eyes on His world which is more exciting that the one I was living in. I live my life now with no hindrance, no pressure, and if ever a relationship comes again, it will serve as a bonus and not my sole contentment. Now, she's undergoing a similar experience I had, hehe.
Thank you my God for sharing your wisdom and revealing your plans for me in every day of my life. You always do but I became deaf and relied on my own strength. Thank you for opening my senses again and sorry that I said that I hated this gift you gave me. I want more of you and less of me. :)
