Go back to the basic most important thing, Love God, that's it! Not just say, "I love God" but really really love God! Why do we humans have to complicate things. God doesn't want us complicated so he reminded us to have the faith of a child, no complications, no maybe's, no thinking too much. Oh yeah, it is easy for me to say it now because I've already passed that phase but back then it was not so easy.
While I was enjoying my singlehood, enjoying my job, listening to good music, talking to God and chatting with my friends all at the same time, you texted me: Ayaw kitang itxt pero d ko na mapigilan, gusto ko lang sabihin na ang ganda ng vista, i lyk :-(
I thought to myself, what the? Your first three words, "Ayaw kitang itxt" tells me that either 1) You keep some bitterness or 2) You want to run away from your feelings again. Your next words "pero d ko na mapigilan" tells me that you still can't control your impulsiveness, that you still succumb to your feelings, and you may want me to feel guilty about it. Your last words, "ang ganda ng vista" would make me wallow in self pitty if I'm still confused because it's a thing I enjoy which is about computers, gadgets, etc and somehow you still remembered me. And finally, your sad smiley ":-(" tells me that... you are sad even though you feel happy with your unbeliever.
I didn't give in this time to your double edged texts, you need help badly but I can't because I will only worsen your situation because you will feel good about it if it comes from me and it will not be healthy for you, and it will not be healthy for me too. I'm so sorry that you have to be in this kind of situation and as much as I don't want to see you suffer and help you myself, God is telling me that right now I'm not the right person to wake you up but I'll always be here to pray for you and if you really ask for my help without any pretensions, I will help you.
You texted me again that you never stopped loving God. I can't rebuke you as much as I was so itching to reply. How can you say you love Him and do not do what he says. Faith without action is... dead. Why do you run away? Why do you regret? Why do you avoid your Christian friends? Why do you feel condemned? Why are you thinking of being a catholic again and see the christian church as legalistic? Why are you still searching for your identity? Why do you always say that later you will be "ok"? Why did you tell me you wanted to scream? You want your spirit to scream! Why... this is a hard one... are you willing to give your life to a lost person? It's because the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.
I do not judge you because all these came from your mouth and actions. Someday I can say all of these to you, but for now, these will not come from me. It may seem that I'm harsh, that I'm a stone because I can still smile and continue with my life while you are in this situation. My officemates finally believed that I'm over you because I can be so calm and control myself. They said that I should be the one suffering because you left me, I just said to them, "Iba si God eh".
When a person loves God with all his/her heart, soul, mind, and strength, there will be no doubt, there will be no condemnation, no need to run away, no guilt, and no regrets, because to love Him is to surrender all of these, all of oneself, and with no questions asked, do what he says out of delight.
Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.- James 1:22
On the side note, this afternoon while I was sharing my testimony to an officemate of mine, he said to me that he's feeling what I was feeling when my life was drifting and knows deep inside that there's something or someone missing. Wow! Lord, I won't remain passive on this one, I'll plant a seed in his heart. I replied to him with a deeper realization I got before and somehow felt that he can relate, I said, "My worst feeling ever is to yearn for something I do not even know.", and he said, "Exactly". Asteeeg. This person needs God more than ever! And talk about application, I said to him, "Have you ever come to a point in your life that if you die the next minute, you're certain you're going to heaven?", he thought for a while and said no. I shared a prayer with him but he said he can't mean the prayer yet, but he said "pretty soon". He said to me that he always wanted a deep talk, but his friends always shunned him whenever he tried to start and everytime it just comes out as a joke. I encouraged him and said to him I'll help him find his place. Thank you my God for another person drawing near to you.
Another side note, this morning my dad drove me all the way to my office. We talked a lot because the traffic was heavy and there was a lot of catching up to do, I said I missed him and asked how he was doing. I also shared that "she" and I are no more, and he gave me good advice. I'm amazed by his wisdom, or in general, I'm amazed how wise old people can be. It's like they've been through everything and they know exactly how you feel and what you need to do. I was comforted by my father, and it felt good to have a conversation with him again after a long time. When I got to my office, he texted me, "Lunch out tayo friday", and I got teary eyed and said yes. :)
