I never stopped loving her even when she dumped me for a non christian dude. Her housemate who is a common friend told me that she's happy so I let her let me go, in a way I let go of her too so that she can be happy, but why are you still suffering from your decisions?
The enemy is tempting me to teach you a lesson at the expense of my righteousness, but I won't give in to that invitation. You stay the hell away from me. As my friend said, your righteousness in God is more important than anyone or anything else in the world.
I went to the first birthday of my pamangkin, first son of my kuya. I went to tita to bless, she asked, 'oh nasan si...?' , I said hello to my cousin, she said, 'where is...?', I went to mama and she said, 'bakit wala si...?', every relative, and every employee was asking for her. This was the time I would have been really grateful for a recorder so that every time, I can just press the play button for my answer. WALA NA SYA!!! Hahahaha! But I didn't say she and I are no more.
My mom somehow knew and told me, 'Pupuntahan ko sya', and I asked, 'Why?', and she replied, 'Syempre minahal ko rin sya'. Awwww, my heart melted. As much as she doesn't want to do anything with me anymore, I have to ask her this last favor for my mom. So I texted her:
Ey, somehow mama got the info dat we are no more, I was shocked nung sinabi nya sakin ngaun na pntahan ka daw nya at mag papaalam sau. Tinanong ko bakit? Sabi nya, 'Syempre minahal ko rin sya'. hehe, sorry to bother u for the last tym but could we just do mum a favor? And as much as you don't want to do anything with me anymore, her sincereness drives me to grant her ds last request from you n I just want her 2 be happy and know that we are happily apart n still loving God, religious si ma eh. Tinanong nya kung nasa jubili ka, sabi ko 'most probably wala kc may revie un 4 her board' =j
I thought she would gladly accept this but to my surprise, she replied this:
But (name) i dnt thnk I can do dat :-( i still love you, I'll just cry. Nt a day passes when I dnt thnk of u. Everyday i tel god, "bt hes d promis" y did he let ds happen? I guess its all with a purpose. So please (name), I really dnt know what to say to u
Wow, this is a revelation. Ackkkkkk! If there's someone who should be in agony right now, it should be me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I'm fulfilled now in God's purpose and I don't want to argue with her anymore, no more rebuking for now, and I won't let this hinder me to love my God. Hence I just replied:
I don't want to argue with you anymore (name), to you I let this happen, for me it's a different story... I was so sure you were the one I was destined to marry, but I already surrendered it to God, and (hawsmate) said you are happy n I respect that so I let you let me go, because I want u to be happy. What god has given, he has taken away, and I praise Him with all that I am. N jst for the record, I never stopped loving you even if you dumped me for a non-xtian dude... There are some things that we can't control, but for those that we have, it's just a decision away... (truncated)
For the sake of discussion, I'll analyze her text again. You say you love me? What do you feel for your unbeliever? I felt sorry for him, really, as in to the max, that you can still say that to me, that you still love me. Have you told him? Or is your relationship with him built on lies? I don't want to be in his position, it disgusts me just to think about it. Does he deserve it for taking advantage when you were vulnerable? I prayed three weeks ago that I will not harm this person for I give way to God's wrath. Only God knows but I thank him if this is part of his wrath, thank you my Lord for your ways are higher, let it be your will to pour it down to my enemies. To think of it, I never really had an enemy in my entire life. Maybe he could be considered as one for taking advantage. hehehe. Thank you my Lord, I take delight in your revelations.
Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. --Rom 12:19
So where was I, ah yeah, that I felt sorry for your guy. Still shocked though that you questioned God that I'm the promise and how could I let this happen. Let what happen? Allowed you to dump me for a non Christian dude? Oh come on, are you saying that I'm the one responsible for the decisions YOU've made? You amaze me sometimes, you said you have thought of everything, and mock me and say 'I told you i've thought of everything', and always say, 'I know, I know', but have you thought of what God is telling you? Until when will you live in regret? May God deal with your pride also. I'm still searching for the person within you whom I loved. I thank you again my God, for presenting me an opportunity to control my temper and hinder my bitterness, for if I don't have you, the world is telling me that I have every reason and all the right to hate her for the rest of my life.
I won't love someone until the last hint of you that bothers me is removed. It would be very very very unfair for my special someone, even if that special someone who God has destined for me is still you.
My mom comforted me, I had a talk with her. I was astonished that what my mom said is similar to what my dad said (even though they are separated), that how could she not love me, and that she lost someone who could love her for the rest of her life. My mom said to me that she thought she was the one, and my mom really wants her to be my wife. She said she couldn't imagine why, and I just said, Neither do I. I later learned that my mom got the information from my sister in law because she saw me crying so hard every night in front of the monitor for no particular reason. Embarassing, hehehe, but no more tears fell for her after I went back to God's grace.
My situation is complicated if I look at it the world's point of view. To love her or not. To move on while receiving double-edged messages from her. To continue with life when I thought I can't love another person ever again. To be happy and jump for God even if another friend is suffering. Being a friend to someone you love who loves another. Taking the risk to fall in love again with the person who hurt you but still you keep on loving.
While on my way home from sunday church service, I was with my friends. Manong driver overheard our conversations, and when they left the taxi (because my destination is farther), manong started talkin... Hahaha! He said that I was wrong, that I should take my revenge and pursue someone so that she will know how bad it hurt me when she dumped me. Oh that manong... I said I can't because I still love her and I can't fall for someone else right now, and he said, 'Ano? Eh tanga ka pala eh, alam mo tawag sayo, tanga (we laughed while I'm silently praying and blocking his curse to me), tapos pag babalik sya sayo tatanggapin mo parin? Ano ka tira tira? Pagkain na pwedeng balik balikan?' Manong's illustration was strong haha! I said, 'Oo, mahal ko parin sya eh'. He said, 'Ay nako hindi ganun yun, kung ako sayo, papaltan ko sya ng sampung babae, pakita mo na kaya mo! Para bumalik sya sayo', I laughed and said, I don't want her back for the wrong reason, if it were the reason, I'll spit her out. Finally, we arrived at my house and those were just the excerpts, manong was really affected... he was shouting at me hahaha! I praise God that my mind is not one with the world, but I appreciate manong, because he feels my old pain.
It's easy to fall short of the glory of God, but this is not what I want to do. I'm sorry to you my lovee for I cannot pursue you now even if I love you because of my convictions, and my convictions are extremely turned off by the way you act, but I'm not in regret, I love God and I praise Him even if you are not the ONE anymore. May you redeem yourself, you are still blurred.
