Monday, February 18, 2008

Jealous vs Overjealous

Amazing how God gives you experiences (even those not so good ones) in order to help others who'd be in similar situations. And even though I've already transgressed so much, he continues to weave the inner linings of my life... and I can still feel him, in everyday of my life. Life will never be the same for my eyes have been opened to his grace and I give thanks to him.

We've just conquered another obstacle in our relationship and it's about Jealousy. One very serious matter, and a downfall of many relationships. And although I've not went through hell to overcome this issue, it helped me in my emotional maturity. Like a vaccine, though relatively light in amount and seriousness, it hardens me in order to be prepared for future and more serious attacks.

But right after solving this issue, a friend of mine texted telling me she needs to talk to me urgent. At first I didn't know what it was about so I tried to fish for general information. She said it's about her relationship. I don't want to be spoiled on "herstory" so I ended there. In a way when it comes to relationship problems, I want it to be surprised and personal. So I said I'll meet her at Starbucks after work, but of course I asked permission first from my special someone if it's okay. I don't want this to turn into something messy even though there's no ulterior motive, it can easily be interpreted as something else.

Anyway, so we rendezvoused at the coffee shop and there she poured everything. She didn't care if she cries in front of me, she told me how she loves the person she loves so much but she's being held prisoner (trust me the term is not an overstatement). Droplets of rain on the glass window would've been perfect, but that's just asking too much. Anyway, she told me how over-jealousy consumed their relationship and sometimes she thinks of getting out of the relationship because she can't stand what's happening and already fears it. Fear... I was shocked that fear was included, and I began to dig deeper on the reason and I found out that the person already threatened to kill himself if she leaves him. Talk about serious drama. Dealing with jealousy is hard enough, how much more if the person you're talking with points a kitchen knife... to himself. I became worried for her and for her special someone because of the guy's suicidal tendency. I already finished my cappuccino and my non-work is increasing (was still working, just went out of the office) but she was not finished yet, but it didn't matter because heart-felt stories are always worth listening to the first time around.

I've already applied the vaccine given to me, but her problem does not simply end there. Hope I can do something about it, but that's another blog. Maybe I'll post it someday, my plan for giving a helping hand because as much as I want them to learn and work this problem out on their own, together... i think this is already beyond her hands.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

It feels good

There, finally I've said it and it turns out I don't need to cry. Well not in person because she doesn't want to wait and I was already chatting with her. Most of the content was taken from the previous entry and I said "nasasakal na ako", wahehehe, can't believe I really said that and it turned up fine.

Here's the excerpt of the conversation:

Me: Lovee we need to talk, pde ka ba tom?
Something is bothering me
Her: what? naun na lang.
Me: ok lang sau sa chat?
Her: cge go im all ears na
Me: okies
it bothers me that ur negative with almost all women linked to me
Her: haha
linked nga eh
you crack me up
Me: hindi ganung linked
Her: ahh gets
Me: i mean no malice, friends
lovee nasasakal ako, I can understand one or two, pero the entire pack?
I'm already freaking out with the thought of losing all my female friends
Her: ayt your call
you wont hear from me ever
end of conversation
Me: lovee I don't mean it that way
Her: its ayt
Me: My hope is that you could trust me and feel safe
because you are the only one I'm in love with
and you are the person I want to marry, no one else
Her: bubu
your cute
you know nman lovee
i tell you these things kasi
gusto ko lang ilet go
ayos na diba

No more girl friends

It's only a matter of time before all my "girl" friends vanish because my girlfriend gets jealous... to all of them. I feel sad that I need to take precautionary measures just to save the only girl outside our church that is clean from jealousy. These include making sure there should be at least another guy in the photo before I can take a picture with a girl, or I can't be left alone with the girl to talk, and skin must not make contact.

I can understand if she became jealous to one or two of my friends but the entire pack? I'm already freaking out with the thought of losing all my female friends including churchmates and I already miss some of them, really miss them, no malice.

Yes I love her, but I think what's happening is too much.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

Wanting to prove something

Is this the season of break-ups? Worse, it's almost always the man who's the culprit, what's happening to the world? And these women are either longing for the right person to come along or decided to give-up their romantic fantasy. Every time I talk to a broken-hearted, I try to give as much hope as I can and tell them it's not the end of the world... but sometimes, this "hope" just gives more pain than good.

Hope helps us to be human, hope to have second chance after we have transgressed or hope to find the right person. Whatever it is, hope brings new purpose. But what if our hopes are constantly crushed, would you rather choose to give up hope and live in a day to day existence? If only I can share more to remove their cynicisms. I want to prove them that there's goodness in men's heart. But I can only go a distance.

I love giving advice when it comes to heart-breaks, dunno maybe because I can relate so much. For my latest talk, I managed to convince her to do the things she loves while waiting for her prince charming. lols.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Talking to a friend

I just had a talk to my friend, and she mentioned that she can only write so much when she at her saddest, and wow! Yeah, me too. When I'm happy I can't find the right words for it, like right now... Does it need training to write when you're happy?

Sunday, October 21, 2007


When something good is happening in my life, I want to stay there and hope that moment will always be there... that's a fantasy, of course it cannot happen for real, an illusion I want be deceived by. But life is not all about good things, and when reality sets in, it really bites especially when I have tons of work to do. CUT Phase (Coding and Unit Testing) has started in my project in work, and that happens in my company, hell freeze over.

I remember it was a timing for her when she left me, my project is in design stage and my sideline's due date was still far away, and I was bored to death doing nothing, thus the so many blogs, and when I got her back, a few weeks later, our project finished its design stage and my sideline client is bugging me.

Now, I'm being drawn again towards the light, and I need to balance this and it's painstakingly hard. Put extra effort so my project and sideline become successful, then I can go back to my fantasy where everything is not that hard.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Bad Day

I don't know, the more you feel tired, the more it's getting into me. I actually like waiting for you now, and doing stuff for you, but this night the enemy is saying to me that I should be tired and just be like my old self who can't even wait for 15min because you yourself are tired, and tried to wait for me earlier at the podium for 30min and became cranky all night.

Never did i feel tired until now, when the enemy showed to me how tiring everything is, and it's easier to accept now because the night is not lightening up no matter how I tried and prayed, I tried to cheer you up, I treated you for dinner, carried your bag, accompanied you to your laundry, and walked you home. I actually enjoy doing all these with you but to see you low in spirits... I don't know, is it too much for me to expect you to be just a bit happier to be with me? Just be in the old ways of not bothering you because it is what you want, the devil says. It also whispered that your emotions have overthrown your happiness of just seeing me and being with me and it's not enough anymore. That you always try to dig the past whenever this happens and compare.

This is the result of my long walk, my struggle for the night. Good night. Being said, it's clear that this is the enemy drilling through my head.

When I shared this to you, this is your reply.
...With many words comes sin. Bwahahaha. Time to conquer my demons, I love you (name), and I had a good time. It's so nice staring at you again... I can't even begin to imagine the extent of your patience. Hehe. Amen!
Umabot pako sa breaking up with u coz ur like d old (name). And then when I got up and saw d lyt, I suddenly like awoke from a tranc. Hay nako =) pesteng enemy yan.

I thank You, my Lord, I don't know if someday she will break-up with me again because I think now for her it's much easier to break-up because she knows me too much and she can just shove all the past (if she hasn't let go of it yet) in my face and get tired of it... she said she was close to breaking up with me.

I am not saddened anymore because I know you are there my God, I put my trust in you and not on men, I won't forget what you have done for me, and won't take it for granted, that's why it's so much easier for me to take care of her now, because I know you gave her, and you gave her back to me. Please give me more patience, as stretched as it may look like, I know there is still room, because sometimes holding on is a hell when the enemy is making you realize all of these, that it's so much easier for her to break-up, I think she already mastered it and it is becoming a quick escape.