I do not keep my hopes up that this will happen, but if in any case it still would, I will take care of you for the rest of my life.
I hope you realize that only god can satisfy your longing, your loneliness. Do not give up your purpose and be bounded by your emotions. As your friend, I will help you love god above anyone else, and this will give you security.
Yes, you are still a mess. Even before you said it to me, I already felt what you were feeling. This connection between us, the way we feel each other even if we are so far away from each other, is already common to us, and this does not shock us anymore. It will never be broken and it is a pain to feel your pain.
You are not okay, and still struggling to find yourself. You want to be back in god's embrace yet something is hindering you. It is the oddest feeling to still talk to you after all that, to still reply to your text messages, to be the same person to comfort you even if you left me for dead to a rag (no bitterness here, i'm telling the truth) but now that I love god much better than I love you. I even pray for your guy to be saved, that you two will have god in the center of your relationship. But I demand from God that you do not give your life to a lost, that you do not give into horrible ungodliness in ungodly relationships. That is my prayer.
Your true friends miss you, yet you still hide to your cave, you feel condemned even if we are righteous in God's eyes because we have been saved, you are with a non-christian guy and you know it's wrong yet you feel happy with him and everything else doesn't matter anymore. You reason out your impulsiveness and being emotional for the actions you've done even if you know that your reasons are nowhere near appropriate.
I'm shocked by your standards, your convictions, it's like I do not know you anymore. You have been out of your comfort zone for only four months and you already gave in. Where is her, the one who's so much on fire for God during the good times, the one who will always text me to read my bible, the one who was always ready to rebuke someone with a standard even slightly lower than God's. She's still in you, yet like the former me, your sin has covered her so badly that God cannot touch her.
Ironic as it may sound, it is your free will that will release you from your bondage, and like what you did to me when I was drifting, I will help you. Only this time it is much harder for me because the enemy knows my vulnerability, it's telling me that you deserve what you are getting, tempting me to hope that you two will have the worst time of your life, to curse you and that guy, that he is my insecurity, my enemy. But these are already clear to me because God opens my ear to listen and be critical.
Let me tell you something, you are not "in too deep" into anything until you are in too deep with God and if you do not realize this, it will forever haunt you, your thirst will never be quenched, and you will never be satisfied. There will always be something lacking.
Pour out your heart to God. I pray that you realize this not only in your mind but also in your heart and know what to do after realizing it because I don't want to see you suffer any longer. In every day of my life that I'm getting closer and closer to god, you are running farther away. Why are you telling me all these? You already realized many things in your mind, yet still you do not come back because to realize this in your mind is not enough. Deep in your heart you want to realize this but as I said, something is hindering you. I pray that God will have a way to remove that hindrance.
When you do realize this and love god again, and if God permits that you come back to me, I will forgive you and love you in utmost truth, because who am I to hate you even if I do not. If God took me back into his arms even after so much pain I caused him, I will do the same for you not out of pitty, but because I love you.
Still, I do not see myself growing old with somebody else, but If you do not love God, I do not deserve you and ask God for someone deserving of my love, someone who is on God's track. I hold on to his promises and not rely on false hopes.
Yes, I'm not keeping my hopes up that we'll still be back because I just put it in God's hands, and I know I'll be happy wherever he takes me, but I have faith in God that you will come back to Him. You were a firm jelly, but as much as that jelly wants to be firm, when she was dropped into a bowl of hot soup, it devoured her and started to make her soft.
I cannot tell you all of these now because you are fragile. It will not build you up until your realizations are true to you. This is your test of faith, and we cannot manipulate or control you, but we can still encourage you and push you towards god, and that's what I will do. In the end, it will still be up to you, to live for God, or to live for the world. Looking at it, this is a kid's stuff decision, and the answer is very obvious but because we are not children anymore, we complicate things, and it is not anymore a simple yes or no. Hmmm, is that the reason why God loves children? and the kingdom belongs to "such as these" (Luke 18:16). May your decision be not covered by the shroud of darkness, be like a child, go back to the basics and love god. May He reveal more of him and less of you in everyday of your life.
This is another revelation to me, among the many others. If you're reading this and you know me, I hope you appreciate that you are one of the handful I mentioned in my other blog, it's because I trust you and I know that you, my christian friend, will give me the an advice aligned to god's.
