Talking to a friend

I just had a talk to my friend, and she mentioned that she can only write so much when she at her saddest, and wow! Yeah, me too. When I'm happy I can't find the right words for it, like right now... Does it need training to write when you're happy?

Fantasy

When something good is happening in my life, I want to stay there and hope that moment will always be there... that's a fantasy, of course it cannot happen for real, an illusion I want be deceived by. But life is not all about good things, and when reality sets in, it really bites especially when I have tons of work to do. CUT Phase (Coding and Unit Testing) has started in my project in work, and that happens in my company, hell freeze over.

I remember it was a timing for her when she left me, my project is in design stage and my sideline's due date was still far away, and I was bored to death doing nothing, thus the so many blogs, and when I got her back, a few weeks later, our project finished its design stage and my sideline client is bugging me.

Now, I'm being drawn again towards the light, and I need to balance this and it's painstakingly hard. Put extra effort so my project and sideline become successful, then I can go back to my fantasy where everything is not that hard.

Bad Day

I don't know, the more you feel tired, the more it's getting into me. I actually like waiting for you now, and doing stuff for you, but this night the enemy is saying to me that I should be tired and just be like my old self who can't even wait for 15min because you yourself are tired, and tried to wait for me earlier at the podium for 30min and became cranky all night.

Never did i feel tired until now, when the enemy showed to me how tiring everything is, and it's easier to accept now because the night is not lightening up no matter how I tried and prayed, I tried to cheer you up, I treated you for dinner, carried your bag, accompanied you to your laundry, and walked you home. I actually enjoy doing all these with you but to see you low in spirits... I don't know, is it too much for me to expect you to be just a bit happier to be with me? Just be in the old ways of not bothering you because it is what you want, the devil says. It also whispered that your emotions have overthrown your happiness of just seeing me and being with me and it's not enough anymore. That you always try to dig the past whenever this happens and compare.

This is the result of my long walk, my struggle for the night. Good night. Being said, it's clear that this is the enemy drilling through my head.

When I shared this to you, this is your reply.
...With many words comes sin. Bwahahaha. Time to conquer my demons, I love you (name), and I had a good time. It's so nice staring at you again... I can't even begin to imagine the extent of your patience. Hehe. Amen!
...
Umabot pako sa breaking up with u coz ur like d old (name). And then when I got up and saw d lyt, I suddenly like awoke from a tranc. Hay nako =) pesteng enemy yan.


I thank You, my Lord, I don't know if someday she will break-up with me again because I think now for her it's much easier to break-up because she knows me too much and she can just shove all the past (if she hasn't let go of it yet) in my face and get tired of it... she said she was close to breaking up with me.

I am not saddened anymore because I know you are there my God, I put my trust in you and not on men, I won't forget what you have done for me, and won't take it for granted, that's why it's so much easier for me to take care of her now, because I know you gave her, and you gave her back to me. Please give me more patience, as stretched as it may look like, I know there is still room, because sometimes holding on is a hell when the enemy is making you realize all of these, that it's so much easier for her to break-up, I think she already mastered it and it is becoming a quick escape.

The corny stuff

"I love you" seems not enough to say how much I love you and everyday as I see you grow better and better, I grow more in love with you. Shucks, it has already been 6 years and I'm still having that "kilig" for you, ackkk! It's you, the woman who is destined to strike pure love again to my heart.

There's no one else in this world who I can share the thrill of having a cup of coffee with,
to be with in a cloudy morning, eating at mcdo and watching my side how nostalgic the droplets of water on the window are,
how we enjoy excellent cinemas and watching great movies together,
how I can be myself around you without explaining,
how I enjoy doing all the things I love with you, the one I love.

You are beautiful from the inside out, and I appreciate it so much. God has made you clean, and you look brand new, amazing :) That gentle smile, that twisted personality, that frizzy hair, I love you just the way you are.

God has placed that feeling, that excitement again in my heart for you, and I enjoy every minute of it. We've matured a lot, and I see myself two years ago and somehow I feel different. I can appreciate more, I can talk more, I can decide, I'm eager to learn new stuff, I'm not uptight, I do not optimize everything, blah blah blah... It's you my Lord who made all these possible, I'm so in love with you and looking forward to growing more with You, my God.

May we grow more and more in love with God, and just find peace in Him.

Songs

Wrote three songs in the office, I want the album to have a story. So many ideas, more songs to be written, and melodies to be played. The story is not finished yet. When I said to one of my batchmates in the office, 'Let's form a band', I play the keyboards, he plays the strings, she too play the strings hehehe, and good on vocals too. La pa kami drummer though hehe. Someday we will play and have brewed coffee. Even though it's just for fun, it will be something fulfilling. I'm trying out new things to learn more about passion.

Anyway, here are the songs I wrote, they need a lot of improvement though, but how I started blogging so I can improve on my writing skills, I'll also start writing songs. This will give me more room for improvement and let me express myself in a different way. This is the first time I'll wrote songs so please be forgiving ;)

Bonus Track - Driving Home
Posted September 19, 2007

Time has passed me by
Keeps me asking why
Inching through life day by day
Dreaming that tomorrow will be okay

Thought I’ve Forgotten
The life I was living
Crying while driving away
Hoping that tomorrow will be okay

I’m driving home to you
I’m gonna bring roses along
I’m driving back home,
Coz loving you is what I want to do

Lost myself in this road
Tired, alone and feeling cold
Forcing myself to hate you
But this is not what I want to do

That’s why I’m driving home to you
I’m gonna bring roses along
I’m driving back home,
Coz loving you is what I want to do

bridge:
Pressing hard on the breaks
Making a turn at the nearest
No matter what I think or say
Tomorrow will not be okay
(As long as I’m not with you - backup voice haha!)

I’m driving home to you
I’m gonna bring roses along
I’m driving back home,
Coz loving you is what I want to do
Coz loving you is what I want to do

My Song for God, bonus track kagad hehe. Dedicated to the backsliding community.

------------------------
Track 02 - Unsure
Posted September 14, 2007

What if we’re really never meant to be
What if this is the part we didn’t see
Maybe it’s all part of the plan
Forever sinking in the sand

What if we don’t hear the angels singing
What if this is not our happy ending
With all of these uncertainties
I’m like trapped in a bad series

I feel like giving up, giving in
To the enemy that’s never seen
Pushing away everyone
Now I have noone
God, I’m so lost!

Is this the time to move?
Tell me, do I need to move?
Is this the time to wait?
Sit, stay calm, and forget?

I feel like giving up, giving in
To the enemy that’s never seen
Pushing away everyone
Now I have noone, there must be someOne

I’m writing this song for the confusion during our lost moments

------------------
Track 01 - Awakening
Posted September 13, 2007

Are you there?
Can you hear me?
Do you know who I am?
Have you stopped thinking too much?
Wake-up, Wake-up, please Wake-up.

Are you back?
Can you see me?
Do you live to see the sunshine?
Have you forgiven yourself?
Wake-up, Wake-up, please Wake-up.

No more crying!
No more regrets!
No more shortcuts!
No more bitterness!

You say you know!
You say you know!
But why, why are you still like that?
When will you move?

This song is for you when you left me, bad song, need revamp

The Beginning

We are getting our lives straightened out, ironing out the curls, pruning the vines, walking the talk and stuff like that. This is just the beginning, I still got a big future ahead of me but I won't let it eat me again, like I won't let Manila eat me alive again. I've been inside the stomach of the enemy, and just when I'm in the brink of being digested and being molded into something yucky, I got my sword and use it to rip open the churning cage I was into.

Rather than the enemy taking over me, I will exercise my God-given authority to cast it away. I've been receiving many attacks lately, and I know I'm not the only one, even she's getting attacks too. We are laughing at the enemy and casting it away, it is all clear now, when we are with God, it's easy to filter what's right and what's not. But we are not taking this lightly because the enemy knows our weaknesses. The least I can do now is offer my life to God, may I be a pleasing sacrifice. I'm living a life with a desire to please God above anyone else.

On the side note, I had a very nice conversation with my mom. I'm amazed by what God is doing in her life, the revelations and the wisdom that He has given. How God has been so good because I thought she'd be paralyzed for life. She told me how she remembered me reading the bible for her, something she didn't get serious of until read verses while she was hanging on to her life. I'm encouraged how I'm having biblical conversations with my mother, and I'm amazed, shocked even that her wisdom is on the right track, she was talking about some principles in life and I ask her, Mama, did you read that somewhere in the bible (Knowing inside that there are verses that teach the same thing), and she said that she haven't read that part yet. She's telling me her accounts, her normal day to day life but to me they're testimonies of what God has done in her life. She told me that she stopped the party when she saw some of her friends doing dirty dancing (haha!), she told me about fleeing from temptation even though she haven't read it yet in the bible, she advised a married man to leave his mistress, and dig this, she had a talk with Che che lazaro, made che che realize that her faith is not sufficient. She's helping the poor, sometimes even preaching to the kids about God. Ang galing!

She told me when I read the bible to her during the night in the hospital on her third stroke, she had a revelation and a vision, and this changed her life forever. For me, these (healing and drawing near to God) are already miracles and I'm thankful and in awe of God's grace. This is another side note which is longer than the actual blog entry wehehe.

The Greatest One-Day Love Story Ever Written

2:59pm today, I sit here in philcoa internet shop. What happened? A lot of things happened and it was so fast. When God tells us to do something, and we cannot comprehend why or how we would do that. DO IT and God will reveal the rest.

I said I had a revelation this 3:30 at dawn (see previous entry). God told me to do something I thought I wouldn’t do now or even at a sooner later in my life.

I never had a closure last night, she ended up telling me that she still hoped for our happy ending but she’s staying with the guy. That’s outrageous! I thought to myself, that's not letting go! But the revelation was not yet there because I was so full of my convictions.

The revelation this dawn told me that I need a proper closure. He had prepared me for this, but Lord! I've already surrendered her to you. And it hit me... Exactly, now that I have the faith to give her up to God, it is time to take her back and fight for her. This is the time to move, not move on. I asked, Lord! How is this different from the first time when I tried to fight for her, and he said to me, Today you are with me.

My faith is in you my God and I may not understand why now but I'm going to do it. Please make it perfect.

I went to her, but she was still taking a bath so I went to claret chapel for a while to be refreshed on God's word but of course I'm vigilant to filter the preaching. She decided to go to claret too. The word was great, it talked about those who exalts himself will be humbled and those who are humble will be exalted. I said to God, today no pride will come out of my mouth.

I smirked when I heard about mama mary and she noticed it and said, I miss that smirk...

After d sermon, she asked me for some coffee to match the three krispy kreme donuts I brought. There's no coffee near there house so I said let's go to mcdo. We had some small talks while we eat donuts and drink brewed coffee while listening to terrible music playlist of mcdo.

After the small talks, I knew I had to say what I needed to say so I talked to God... Lord, this is it! And when I was about to say it, the music, out of the blue, suddenly turned into a love song, Torete! Hahaha! Lord, ang galing mo naman! We both smiled and I said every word that God wanted me to say (see previous entry). After that she told me a story, how she secretly cried and learned to cry without tears, that she texts me everytime in secret and send it to her housemate instead of sending it to me.

And love songs after love songs played, and I watch her eyes cry in tears and I cried too and we both laughed mildly. Then I shared many revelations during the past month, and I laid down my plans for her and she was smiling perfectly as how God said it to me.

I asked God, Lord, still no closure? She didn't even say yes or no. So I asked her for the second time, and she told me another story...

How she prays to God to give her the promised one, and she said that I'm the promised one. I said to her For the first time, I pursued you. Hindi mo ako naunahan. She talked how she hated herself for getting ahead of me, for not waiting, for going with another guy and I comforted her.

Lord, wala parin sya sagot... So I asked her for the third time, Let go of him and do not worry nor have any regret, I'll fight for you and I'll be there for you. I will lead you, yes, something i've never done in my life, I'll lead you and share the purpose with you for God and we cried even more, but we don't care even if we were amidst the crowd who were having breakfast at mcdo. We clearly heard in one table that they were talking about hopeless romantics, and there were lots of ideas, and I think they were talking about us too. We smiled and said, 'yeah, we are hopeless romantic freaks' and again we laughed mildly as tears gush down our face.

For the fourth time, God give me a sign. I asked her again, (name), for the fourth time i'll ask you again. What is your answer? and she told me that she always imagined me pursuing her. And I asked, is that a Yes? All the surprises in the world combined is no match how surprised I was when she nodded and I was like, WooooooooooW God! You are the best thing that ever happened to me.

We cried another bucket, and catch up with some stuff, and exchanged corny lines. As in, very corny lines, don't ask. We laughed and suddenly a storm came... it was him, her you know what. We didn't notice that it was already 12nn and her EX-bf is calling her coz she was supposed to be in glorietta with him. And he's coming, and I trembled but I have faith in God and I still won't lay a scratch on this guy unless he hurt my love.

With every second that passed, my heart beat faster and faster and I'm talking to God and preparing myself to get hit for the first time if ever.

...Wait, stop the flashback, just now she texted, 'san kaw? Pls pick me up'
...I'm back to the internet shop because she didn't say where she is, men! Nway, continue blogging... Where was i...

Ah yeah, he was comming! And she decided to stay with me but she needed to wiwi, and Mcdo's cr was out of service, chowking 's cr was being cleaned... Lord! Reveal it to me! That cr that is. So I told her, 'kaya mo pa ihold?'... ok wait, you might wonder, why include this detail? It's important, you'll see. Anyway, I said 'magpaphotocopy muna tayo and head to your dorm' and we went to the photocopy/internet shop, where I am now, writing this blog using my cellphone.

And I was like wow, ang galing may CR sa net shop, thank God! And she went wiwi and just as she entered the cr, guess who came? Yes he, the big show with eyes burning with murderous intent when he saw me. He said in a loud annoying voice, BAKIT KA NANDITO? NASAN SI (name)?! and I calmly replied, nasa CR....

He knocked and kicked the CR, which costed me 500 bucks because he broke it. You owe me 500, you monster who doesn't know how to enter a CR, kaya nga may susi eh. It made a scene and everyone stopped talking and there was silence. He shouted, BAKIT ANTAGAL NYA? KANINA PA SYA NASA LOOB AH! and it was just like 10 seconds had passed and I calmly replied in a condescending voice, Hello?! Kaka CR lang nya. and the owner (ate tens, close na kami) said, oo nga kakapasok lang nya while she calls for backup because she was scared. The guy grew impatient and went to where I standing and shouted again, BAKIT KA ANDITO, BAKIT KASAMA MO SYA? and I replied, hindi ka na nya mahal, let go of her and he replied with contempt, IKAW ANG HINDI NYA MAHAL and I thought to myself, isip bata ba to? parang nakikipag kompetisyon ah and I told him, edi itanong mo sa kanya! Hahaha! In your face, kido!

He wrecked the door and she opened it and went it, and they were there and I quickly said, ATE!! SUSE!!! Akina Suse!! And ate is getting more and more afraid so he instructed the big guys to get them out of the CR, and the guy went out dragging her with him, hurting her and grabbing her arms, and I raised my tone and I grabbed and removed his arm from hers and said, Bro, don't hurt her, if you want to talk, ask her nicely. And he grabbed the important papers the (name) needs for review so that she will be forced to come with him, and I really had to say it to him BRO! PARA KA NAMANG BATA! Ibalik mo nga yang mga yan, hindi sa kanya yan! and I think he realized it and returned the papers.

I thought he was just like going outside to talk so I sneaked in and followed them covertly then I saw him again dragging her and I saw that they were going to ride a cab, oh crap! with much adrenaline, I ran faster than ever and I was able to stop the door of the taxi and told that guy, DON'T HURT HER! and I let them go because I want to give that guy his right to talk to her.

And now I wait here, where the confrontation happened. I feel so helpless, I tried to search UP for them but I didn't find them. All I can do is pray and have faith in God that she won't be hurt. And I texted our friends to pray in faith with me.

After waiting five excruciating hours in the internet shop she texted that she's not hurt but to come for her and bring a guard because he's holding a KNIFE. Huwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? Monster FREAK! So I quickly said to ate, Ate, emergency, my friend is in danger, do you know where (name of the place) is? and she googled it and we called the realtor but we didn't get any information so I just said, I'll ask the taxi driver to take me there. So I hurriedly got a cab and went to the place, and I told the driver what's happening and I need to get there as fast as I can, and manong was like so ready and became like james bond and he was so into it, with the drama, suspense and excitement! But the driver didn't know where the place is so we had to ask so many people including MMDA haha, but no one knew where it is!!!! Then we went to some tricylce cab drivers and he told me to run to that other side and ask them, finally! A concrete direction! And i hastily went back to the cab and told him where to go.

When we reached the subdivision, I ask the guard in panic, Manong guard! We need help, my friend is in danger, may balisong daw yung lalake and the guard was calm and went in circles thinking, COME ON!!! I thought to myself, and what's worse is his reply. Ummm, kaano ano nyo po ba sya? and I said kaibigan po! And he said, you can't go inside, this is our homeowners association, and I wanted to crush them for having no sense of urgency.

Manong driver told me, hindi tayo papasukin, kuha tayo police, and I was like talaga? papasukin tayo pag may polis? So we went outside again and saw the persons we needed the most that time, and dig this, they were not the police, they were the AFP! Oh yeah, three of them with big RIFLES and all, and I thought to myself, grabe tamang tama to, I think matatakot na sya sa mga to. These men are way cooler than the police.

And I told the emergency and they were like so into it to! They were preparing their guns, and moving to the driver seat, and told me, sige tara! Saan ba to and I told them where it is, and I went inside their hum-vee. Just as the driver is ready to go, she texted, palabas na ko and I was like, what? Sayang naman tong mga AFP, hehehe, but I explained to them that I think the situation was already under control.

So I got another cab to fetch her, and told big, old, and white-haired manong that it's an emergency and he asked what kind of emergency, my friend is in danger and her bf has a knife, and manong said Ay baka mapahamak pa ko dyan hahahaha! But I explained to him that everything's ok, so we went and saw her walking outside the subdivision. The guy's family came because the guard talked to them (they were not so bad after all).

She cried a lot when we were riding the cab, and asked me to take her to a pastor in ubelt, so we went there and learned that he already went home. So we went to galleria to have dinner with our close friends.

That monster freak is not worth it, during my 5 hours stay in the internet shop talking to the owner, she mentioned to me his future wife will be unlucky, sad and battered, because if this is the way he acts now, how much more after marriage. And replied yeah, and thought, it's good that it's not my love who will be trapped in his monstrosity.

We just had a real picture how ugly a non-christian relationship is... he makes me sick. May this teach us a valuable lesson, and I believe that this happened for a reason, to reach that brokeness because God wants us to really learn something from it and not just say 'I know'.

Mark this day as the day that she got saved from a monster freak. An unbeliever who threatened her with a knife and ready to commit suicide.

I am moved by what happened today, this by far is the most exciting day that God has given to me, and He made scenes which I thought I only existed in the movies. I love you God, thank you for delivering her from harm and I can enjoy new moments with her. I love her so much, and I won't realize it if I didn't follow what you said to me.

With what happened today, I don't know how in the world I've managed to pull everything off. It's beyond my wildest dreams. It's just God and a faith that can move mountains. Wohooo! Again I thank you for giving me movie-like experience, You're amazing.

So it's US again and I will love you more than I've ever loved you. The things that happened made us closer to each other. We're both surprised how things turned out, I didn't even plan for this... I only had Case One and Case Two and that was it, I never thought there was this Case Three!!! Amazing, I thought I knew everything but still You surprised me with all of these. I love it!!! Thank you for giving me the opportunity to move by faith.

...but I'm asking God, did I break my convictions? If someone knows the answer, kindly text me, I believe God will use you.

Epiphany

Ok, I just woke up 3:30AM and I can't sleep anymore. I kept thinking, Lord, why do I feel like I still haven't done something I was supposed to do but I still can. You know that feeling that you haven't done something wrong, but there is this thing you haven't done. The feeling is quite different. I don't feel regret, but I feel that God has given me this perfect timing and I just have follow and do it.

Ah yeah, I forgot that I bought some krispy kreme doughnuts for her. Actually, I didn't buy it for her in the first place, I want to eat it, but I realized that I bought 3 of them out of coincidence and it will be perfect gift but it slipped my mind last night and I haven't given her the donuts. Well beyond the donuts, there is something more, and I believe I have forgotten to give her those donuts for a reason.

Today, i need to tell her something, something I haven't told her for a long time because I was afraid of what she's going to say, but I have nothing left to lose and I have God and I don't want to wait for another week before I realize that I need to tell her this:

(name), I love you and you love me. That guy doesn't love you, well he loves you but he doesn't love you that much because he can't let you go! Please don't stay with him, he'll be okay just like me. Wait for me and I will pursue you, just let God mold us and straighten out our curls for a while. Let's start over and be friends again. You don't have to chase after me anymore, I want and I will pursue you and I'll be there for you and I'm not saying this because I want your favor, but this is what my heart desires.

This is the outburst of my heart now, and I need you my Lord to tell me if my heart is not deceiving me. Why now? I just realized that I really really need to tell her these things and I don't care anymore if she says yes or no, but no questions asked, no what if's, and maybe's but I just have to do this because you told me to my Lord. I guess it's destiny for me.

Posted by a sheep at 4:31AM, but I've edited it and it's already 5:11AM and I have to take a bath now.

Broken Piece of Glass

You came here tonight saying sorry again. We talked a little but I'm quite disappointed by your convictions. I thought you've changed or you already woke up but I guess I was wrong.

Earlier this week, I said to one of my friends at the office that I'm expecting two cases. First case: She'll say sorry just to say sorry but she's still with that guy and I'll watch her walk away. Second case: She'll say sorry but she already broke up with her guy and woke up, and she'll wait for me. So I prepared some emo songs. Either way, it won't really matter coz I'm having so much fun with my singlehood with God. I already accepted any case because no matter what, I'll still be single afterwards but I know already in my heart that it will be Case One so I chose the best emo song for me for Case One.

When she came I saw her face, still sad, and I thought to myself oh when will you ever wake up. She talked to me and said sorry. That's it, she just want to say sorry... and she told me some stuff about what's happening in her life.

She said that she tried breaking up with that guy and he just wouldn't accept it, so she decided to stay with him because he will stop training if he loses her and she said she doesn't want to cause any more chaos. My heart was not shocked anymore, I said, oh well Lord, she still chose that path. I told her everything I wanted to say, without the crappy forgiveness hindrance. I said to her,
I noticed that I've been too forgiving and in the process I haven't said what I really wanted to say. I've always said that you'll be okay and be fair to your love for your guy but this night I want you to tell something. If it's just me, I want you off him, I want you to be single and realize that your attachments will not keep you alive. Let go of them.

You said you don't want to cause any more chaos, but is that principle YOUR GOD? Why do you limit yourself because of that thought? Do not hinder yourself by what you think, but do not stop thinking either! Let God handle things for you. You said you don't want to chase after me anymore, then don't! There's still singlehood, hello? Are you afraid? Why can't you let go, why....

And you said stop! and we smiled at each other knowing that you're still you. You keep asking God for a way out, for your bf to break you and all... sigh, remove all the feelings, what we had, everything that connects us, and just see you as myself as a Christian, I am disappointed.

Tonight I watched you walk away under a lamp post. I quickly grabbed my music player and fulfilled the vision which God has given me. I listened to The Blues by Switchfoot as I saw your back getting farther and farther away until it diminished into the darkness of night. I stood there under that yellow light while the stars watched me stare at her. I walked the opposite direction and smiled to God. Lord, thank you for ending another spectacular movie event of my life. Tinding moment yun ah, with matching serenity of the night, lamp post, yellow light, and background music. I just felt God's holy spirit embraced me and whispered 'I am enough' as I walked home refreshed.

I'm shocked that I'm not sad anymore, and I need an emo song just to get in the right mood. It's a little bit tiring to see you like that again and again. Tonight, I won't think if I still love you or not because you didn't even come close to bringing out that wow in me.

It's a deadlock for us, and it will be a surprise to us if destiny still brings us back together. For you, you don't want to chase after me but you cannot wait. For me, I just want you to wait and I cannot pursue you now, coz right now, I have nothing to offer but singlehood.

I'm free and I don't have to endure her missing me or loving me messages. Thank you my God for opening a way for a new beginning. Tonight I let go of the thought that we'll be us again someday. I'll wait for who God has destined for me... I hope she's eagerly waiting for me too.

Even though I'm free, nothing has changed for me tonight, I'm still single. My officemate is eagerly waiting to see me break my convictions and just say to her, leave him and be my girlfriend just to easily end all of it. But no, God is telling me that I won't be happy with that path and the same thing will happen again.

I love God and that's enough for me, and the world cannot take it away... not even her. Good night for a long time. Crap, now I really need to get her to say goodbye to ma.

Sorry

Sorry seems easily said. You kept on saying and saying it, but I already said I forgave you yet you didn't stop. I already realized you were crying because when I was crying and chatting during my lowest point, I also did what you did, reiterate myself over and over again.

Lord, may your will be done... I don't want to be confused again, reveal your way on the things I must do.

Keep Running

Just had my exhausting but very satisfying jog. God is there in everything we do, and to realize that gives a fulfillment in the things we do. He talks to us, if only we would listen.

After a while I jogged again but this time, it's not just another run. Decided to bring my mp3 player using the earphones given by a friend from the States. I remembered the movie, "In the Land of Women" where the guy just hold his ipod while jogging, so I did the same thing and did not bother finding my armband. This is the first time I brought a music player with me during jogging and it was good. hehe.

Jogging at the campus at dusk is amazing, nice lightings, good ambiance, and with the matching song playing in my ear, I felt I was in a movie! During the entire run I was talking to Him, sharing what I thought bout what's happening in my life, thanking Him how he has been so good to me, how I can still continue with life after what happened, and appreciating his creations and how perfect the jogging was.

The pain was already kicking in when the song "Collide" played, it brought back some memories. Even more when the line "Even the best fall down sometimes" was said, hehehe. I said, yeah...

I ran harder and I grew tired until I wanted to rest, until I couldn't catch my breath, until I longed for something quench my thirst and it hit me. This is how I want God in my life, and I cried and raised my hand while jogging (crazy), and I said to God, "Not yet, I can still run!", and I run harder and harder until I cannot run anymore, and I walked, bought a gatorade and prayed, "That's it! How I wanted rest and something to drink, that's how I want You."

I walked home, and just when I thought that things couldn't get better, i saw fireflies and they were a sight! I smiled and thanked God again for He knows I take delight in these small things. Thank You for making my life more exciting...

I think I can blog this in my public blogsite.

Hate that I Love You

...is my current song in my multiply.

When I reply to her texts and chat messages, it's like nothing has happened between the two of us. It's like my heart has not been crushed. I don't have the heart anymore to scold her, and shove everything in her face. Just want to forget everything that has happened, not to dwell in the past and all.

Watched Evan Almighty yesterday with my family at ATC. It was a great movie and I said in my review that I cried almost all throughout the entire movie but I didn't disclose there why. I cried because I remembered her, I cried because it talks about family, how each person stands for each other, be there in times of need, and even though she's not my wife, my vision was she would become my other half. Throughout the entire movie, I can see my life. I can relate with Evan when he was too busy with his career, trying to change the world in his little ways, and forgetting the things that are more important in the process. It's good that in a movie house, lights are off and no one can see a person crying hehehe.

I texted her after how I loved the movie (she was the one who recommended it to me) and coincidentally she texted at the same time talking bout the environment. She replied,
:-D sabay tau nagtxt. Funny it still hapens. Its nice noh ^-^

I thought to myself, yeah it still does but why?

A lot of small talks after, even this morning. It says in the song that I love her beyond the reason why. Hehe. Okay this is too much hopelessly romanticism. Jogging muna ako, to remove some idleness. As they say, an idle mind is the devil's playground, dunno if this is biblical though hehe. Enlighten me.

On the side note, a former textmate texted me out of the blue and asked me to take her to church. I thought to myself, hmmm, this is weird. I replied, sure, alabang morning next sunday.

Challenge

The Lord has been so good to me, and I praise him and do not take these things for granted.

A friend of mine told me, "Wala ng challenge, she's showing that she's still so in to you... and taking advantage of the fact that you love her soooo much", and I told her, "yeah, somewhat like that. Well the feeling she shows to me doesn't take away the fact that she still has someone else."

I already forgave her but the trust will be hard to rebuild, it's not something you can just pop out and say you trust that person. When a stranger comes into a your life, you don't trust him/her instantly right? It's a process, and when it's already there and given, we take care of it because we know that it's so difficult to rebuild when it's broken.

I thought to myself, it did remove the challenge when she said she still loves me and her words, as simple as they may sound, are starting to bind me again. My God, deal with her first, and if it is Your will to be us in the end, I will pursue her again but until that day, my heart is open.

I pray to God that He will give me the person who will enjoy doing things with me, who will not be burdened trying to cope with me. When we broke up, it was a shocking revelation to me when she said that she did many things just to please me, like watching naruto, swimming, running, buying a laptop, and the likes. Lord, I didn't know all these things, am I blind? Why did I see those things as something she loves doing, and not something she's doing because of me? When she said that to me, she became a complete stranger, and the remaining teeeny tiny trust that was left when she went for some rag has been destroyed in the process. I asked God, how can I love someone who I cannot trust?

Eventually I let go of her, and I said to God, I lift it all to you, I don't know how she can prove herself and how I can give back my trust to her... kayo na po bahala sa akin. It will be beyond my understanding again, and if destiny bring us to no more than friendship, I'll accept it.

On the side note, I watched hairspray the other night and it was a good movie. I thought it was boring, but it taught me a lot and beyond the dancing, singing, and racism, there are implicit meanings on how married people understand each other.

Mushy-ness

Embracing a weakness and turning it to strength is quite hard. It's like placing a burning charcoal into your hands and waiting for it to cool down which usually takes a long time. Of course, the usual thing to do is to drop it because you're going to get burned! But I realized that I don't have to let go of it, I just have to place it in God's hands and let Him hold it until it becomes my strength.

It surprises me that people suddenly confide, there was a time that I blocked them all off (during my drifting life), because it is a weakness, and I don't like weaknesses back then, I throw it all off instantly without even thinking. It's the guarding my heart thing again which went a little too far. I don't even know why they have the confidence to come to me, tell me their secrets, and pour down their depressions on me.

It blows my mind that even her, my you know what, is still confiding in me only after a few days/weeks after THE event, it's just not the norm to be the same person to comfort her!! Even people I don't know personally suddenly tell me their problems. I'm not complaining though, I thank God that they trust me. I've been a compilation of secrets of many people, and they know that I don't spill secrets if they explicitly tell me not to tell anyone. Well for one thing, I forget those secrets anyway, so it's safe in the back of my mind.

Most of them are women. My weakness. To give-in, to remain passive, to get carried away by emotions. I'm embracing my weakness and let God turn it to strength, and I won't let this hinder myself again to give them advice and to remain platonic.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
--2 Cor 12:9-10

A Possible Action

I've been saying that I'm not hoping that she will come back, but looking at the situation now, it is getting more than just a possibility... it's probable! Sometimes I'm a fan of 'Crossing the bridge when you get there' because when I prepare too much, it stirs up my emotions and keeps me hoping. God wants me to be prepared on whatever things that will happen in my life, so now I'll think of a possible action. Not to be too negative but based from experience, plans are just a guide, and most of the times the reality will deviate from the plan, but it's good to have one and ask God for wisdom so that you won't get lost or be caught off-guard.

Okay here's my guide. I am willing to accept her back in my life, to love her again, and to risk of getting hurt again but... okay here's a big BUT hehehe... I'm going to give her time with herself and God. Just last night she texted me again
(Name)!! Last na to. Di dpat sa txt. Gs2 q lng sabihin, mahal kita. Pero ayaw na kita guluhin at habulin. Bahala na c lord sakn. I remembr d scent of ur hair clay.
And my reply to her was of course, that I love her too, but I made it clear to her and said that I won't love her again above God, ever.

She said that her biggest sin ever is being selfish. May God reveal more of it and deal with her. I don't want her back for the wrong reasons. So how do I know if it is a wrong reason? If she comes back to me and say again that she can't imagine herself being single, if there are signs of being impatient again, because I don't want to be pressured and lose focus on God again. Am I being selfish when I said that? To demand from God to give me who can make me happy and share the purpose of loving Him?

And if during the long time she can wait, and not find another guy, I will pursue her again and I'll know that she is the one destined for me. This revelation is really a big one, and I'm still asking God to reveal more of His will for me and I will follow Him.

A friend of mine said to me that as a person who observed the process from a third person's point of view, that now I am so better off without her. I know it took a lot of courage to say that to my face and it made me think and reassess myself, 'Am I still consumed by her?' My friend told me that I have to really let go and not get back to the rope if it dangles again in front of me, and let God put the rope back in my hands if it's really for me.

I'm all for that! I don't want to do it on my own again, don't want to rely on my own strength because it will be futile. Just as I let God deal with me when I was letting go of her, I'll let God handle this and every situation that will come in my life. I'll wait, I'm not impatient, I will commit or promise nothing to anyone until I pursue the girl of my dreams. I'll enjoy my singlehood (while it lasts, bwahahahaha).

Twist of Fate

Everything happens for a reason. There may be some things we may not comprehend and leave us with more questions like 'Why did it happen? What is the purpose of that event to take place'. We may not understand it and no matter how small we think it may be, it still contributes to this destiny which God has designed especially for each and everyone of us and surely he will reveal to us his good, pleasing, and perfect plan.

Friday night, I had two options, two gimiks to which I have the freedom to choose which one I'd attend to. One gimik was with my officemate batchmates, close friends really, we are a strong batch, they planned to go to a bar, to drink, dance, and meet new people. The other one was with the group of godly friends who planned to have a gimik at serendra, just a simple get together, they didn't even tell me the reason for the said gimik.

It was not really a hard choice for me, and I thank God for a very thick line. It was like choosing heaven from hell, hahaha! Of course I chose to go with my godly friends and happily dispose the fact that I won't be going with my batchmates (but I was thinking that this was my chance to dance. I said in my past entry here that I always wanted to dance).

Suddenly, at the last moment before I logged out of our office, a friend of mine texted me and said that the party has been postponed to a date no one knows, and again, I was left with no reason why the gimik has been cancelled. Even though my mind was already set not to go with my batchmates, eventually, I decided to go with them to metro walk. This is a cheap place to gimik, well relatively, they planned it to be here so that we won't shell out too much cash.

We got there, thankfully, one of us had brought a car so we had no problems going there. When we reached the place, we strolled, looked for a place, then suddenly a particular voice resonated across the empty space and echoed my name, '(name)!!'. With a second's thought, 'this voice is very familiar' and when I turned my head, my eyes catched her unforgettable face and frizzly hair... it was her, and for some twisted reason destiny needed to bring us in the same place at the same time again for the motive I cannot even begin to imagine.

Both parties were stunned, as in literally, they were looking at us, certainly knowing what happened between the two of us. All I can say was, 'Oy... (name)', and there was silence for a long time, my eyes was focused on her, in the same way she was on mine, and for a moment there, the world stopped, and slowly regain its pace as I walked away from her still our sight cannot be separated, and I can also see her you know what frowned, not even a smile can be seen on his face and kept looking incessantly on other directions.

I saw her eyes, and it was like the eyes of a child who saw her gift. It sparkled and it didn't loose focus for a very long time. We had no more words to say other than our names, but still had a complete conversation just by looking at each other's eyes. I felt a shiver ran up my spine and I almost wanted to collapse, but of course I didn't and regained control.

Once again, I was bombarded with questions from my friends. I just said to them, 'Guys, I'm ok! Really!' Did it ruin my night? Hmm, maybe I could say that because she remained in my head for quite some time. The thought didn't really irritated me, but the fact remained that if we didn't meet there, she wouldn't have played in my mind during the entire course of our gimik. My friend who brought the car was apologizing to me when we went to the cr, he kept saying, 'tol, sorry talaga, kung nakapag dinner pa tayo ng mas matagal, kung hindi tayo na traffic' and all the circumstances that should have happened for us to avoid that situation. I just replied, 'Yeah, I shouldn't be here in the first place (thinking that I should be with my other group of friends), but no regrets... it happened for a reason'

Well at least I get to dance! This was something new in my life, to dance, and it felt good! I must admit that I drank a little, but not to get wasted of course.

Shocking text conversations with you just this morning, and I'm blogging this while you are replying hehehe:

Me: ..I was trying to look straight at your guy, but he kept looking on other directions.. I danced!
You: :-) yeah I know u lookd at him coz I saw u. he kept on saying na u wudn't luk at him
Me: Oh come on, well u r my witness =j tnx, also a friend of mine, hehe, sabi nya he can't smile at d daw mapakali and can't look at me, Ahihihi, d naman ako intimidating dba?
You: Ganun talaga pag insecure :-D

Wait!! Hold that thought, why is she defending me, and why is she talking like that about her boyfriend??? Sheesh

You: You look gud and I mis u ='(

Ahehehe, buti nalang nag ayos ako nun... sabi nga ng officemate ko, I looked good last night, bagay daw sakin rugged look plus the matching goti. ahahaha! Prior to that, our maid told me that I looked good too, parang Turko daw. hahahaha! Ang galing ng timing mo Lord!

You: U changd
Me: umm, kaw dn... Ano ung change ko for u? Did i become worsE??
You: More expresiv and u give attnt to smal things na. me?
Me: Umm... less expressions, but your eyes looked like the eyes of a child who saw her gift... and I already felt a complete conversation w u when we looked at each other's eyes. hehe Or is it just me hahahaha. feeler ako
You: I never wantd to be more stoic n lyf dan now
You: I miss watching u ridicule ppl, and me also, and me teling u my latest crazy trivial discovery. I kip n thinking how gud it wud be now dat ur lyk dat bt d mangyayare until we parted ways.

Oh crap... Lord, this is the time... you have prepared me for this
I replied some mushy statements and some godly words, a little of my testimony, and how I want to help her, and we (christian friends) have never forsaken her, and still love her no less.

My only mistake was I got carried away, and I told her what to do. Lord, you taught me that it is really not helpful if I tell someone what to do, but I got tired of her whining, antagal na!! I can still sense much pride in her, Lord, may you deal with her po.

You: One, u have to stop teling me wat to do, its anoying. I know what I have to do, it's a rebelion thing, im finding my place. Found a celgrp na, Im mean bt Im leaving mickey eventuali. cant have an insecure husband, and non xtian kids.

Got mixed emotions, first I'm surprised by her reply. I'm happy that she's waking up. U have to stop teling me wat to do, its anoying... ang galing! she is becoming the she who God has given me (but it's still blurred if she really wants me back in her life, am I dense?), someone who is STRONG but still needs caring. Im mean bt Im leaving mickey eventuali Ummm... this one I'm a little sad, I mean, it's so sad to see a person be treated like an object, something you can let go just like that. I mean, she dumped me just like that, and she will dump him just like that... Lord, deal with her. I love her so much my Lord, mold her to be the person who can give up her pride, who can love you with all she is, and be removed from all her yoke with this world, including her attachment to me, and love you without any hindrances.

You: I'm selfish. My bigest sin probably, Ever. D one I kip repeating - luking after me again.

May this be dealt with and be true to you.

My Lord, please prepare my heart, to truly forgive and love selflessly and unconditionally if you still destined her to be the one for me, because it is hard but I want to do it for You (ayoko mag assume even if all the signs are pointing to her). The world will persecute me for this, because for them, I'm a foolish person to still love her after all that, but forgive them for they do not understand my Lord. My faith is not in them, but only to you, my One and Only. Little did I know that a thirty second look at her eyes can reveal so much and what I thought was hell (the gimik), became a revelation to my destiny.

It's funny God, when I already moved on, when You have already prepared my heart to accept and love someone else, when I'm not impatient anymore of her awakening, it's when you give back what you have taken away. I praise You again, for your ways are higher. I don't even have to do so much, kayo na po ang gumawa! But I won't let this experience make me lazy, and be passive again but instead to have a stronger faith and have a deeper relationship with You and know that worrying is not for me, and know that now, I can TRULY surrender EVERYTHING and EVERYTHING to you. I want More of You, less of Me.

One good day comin up! You never cease to surprise and amaze me.

Wow Factor

God surprises me everyday.

Earlier my messenger status in the office was "Flesh is weak...", and it surprised me when a respectable higher-up messaged me. She is much older than me, in fact she's already married. I shared God to her, and prayed for her to read her bible, get to know God more, and for her family. Here is the excerpt...

[5:21 PM](her) hi (name)
[5:22 PM](her) just checking you lang po.. u ok? worried lang ako dahil sa jabber status mo..
[5:22 PM](her) sick po ba kayo or something?
[5:26 PM](me) ahahaha, talaga po.. ok lang po ako, just quoting a passage from the bible kasi may friend ako na nasa context ng verse na un
[5:27 PM](her) oh.. hahaha
[5:27 PM](her) kala ko po kasi literal
[5:27 PM](her) nakita ko nga po kayo reading the bible nung nasa province area ako.. nakakatuwa po kasi iilan na lang ang tulad mo
[5:27 PM](me) spirit is willing but the flesh is weak... aun po
[5:28 PM](me) ah talaga po... nako, non work po un, wahahaha...
[5:28 PM](her) yan din ang sinasabi ko pag niyaya ako sa jogging hahaha
[5:28 PM](her) ay .. ngek.. ok lang noh.. atleast non work mo is something good
[5:28 PM](me) ahehehe, thanks, kau po, nagbabasa rin po kau ng bible?
[5:28 PM](her) ahmmm... matagal na pong hindi
[5:29 PM](me) christian po kau?
[5:29 PM](her) opo..
[5:29 PM](her) same lang naman bible ng catholic at christian diba?
[5:29 PM](me) ahehe opo, as long as you believe in Jesus as your lord and saviour
[5:30 PM](her) oo naman
[5:30 PM](me) encourage ko lang po kau to read your bible, dami po revelations... NIV po ung gamit ko
[5:30 PM](her) ikaw, ever since po, lagi kang nagbabasa?
[5:30 PM](me) opo every morning and before I go to sleep
[5:31 PM](her) opo gusto ko din.. nasa tabi lang nga po ng bed ko ung bible .. kaso.. u know.. lots of excuses.. hay
[5:31 PM](me) agnostic po ako nun
[5:31 PM](her) wow.. talaga
[5:32 PM](her) tapos..
[5:32 PM](me) opo, i mean catholic po ako, and I know about God, pero I really don't know God...
[5:32 PM](her) tapos.. what made you search for the real Him?

(I Shared my testimony here)
(Will not post here to protect my identity)

[5:40 PM](her) pero (name).. ive heard several testimonials.. like reading a bible made them a better person.. pero im just wondering How...
[5:42 PM](me) it starts by believing first, and having a personal relationship with Him
[5:42 PM](me) sorry medyo religious
[5:43 PM](her) ngek.. no problem.. kasi alam mo.. before.. medyo religious din ako.. attending bible studies, mass.. pero after i got married.. hay nawala..
[5:43 PM](her) naconvert ako ng husband ko .. na sana ay ako ang magcoconvert sa kanya..
[5:43 PM](her) e gusto ko sana.. nasa center namin si God..
[5:44 PM](me) opo, sobrang sarap po ng feeling if a relationship is founded on God
[5:44 PM](her) pero diba.. grabe.. ang hirap syang inconvince
[5:44 PM](me) you mean your husband po?
[5:44 PM](her) opo..
[5:45 PM](me) pano pong "mahirap" iconvince?

(Oh men, Lord! Help me, I'm not married yet, give me wisdom to counsel!)
(Will not post here, also to protect her identity)

[6:04 PM](her) hay naku (name), kakahiya po sayo.. i am supposed to give you an advise kasi i thought sick ka.. pero hahaha.. ikaw na po nagpapayo sa akin..
[6:05 PM](me) hehehe ok lang po un
[6:06 PM](her) naguilty ako
[6:06 PM](her) naguilty ako dahil ayun.. He's just there.. the bible's there.. pero seldom ko na lang binubuksan..
[6:07 PM](her) how do u read it po pala.. as in isa isa.. or u randomly pick one page?
[6:09 PM](me) (her) how do u read it po pala.. as in isa isa.. or u randomly pick one page? (-- I started in Mark and Luke

[6:14 PM](me) just want to share po... to believe and love God may seem very simple, pero when you read the bible, it's just not as plain as that po... it says there that faith without action is dead, there is also a passage saying, 'Why do you call me Lord Lord, and do not do what I say' , so aun po... to love God is to take delight in his commands, and not see it as duties, e.g. reading the bible, going to church, to pray etc. Dati po kasi I only pray to him when I needed something, or when sometimes pag may sobrang ngyari sa buhay ko...
[6:15 PM](her) very well said, (name)
[6:17 PM](me) aun po, I developed my quiet time with Him most of the time after reading the bible, kwentuhan lang po with God, ask him things, ask for advice about situtations and circumstances, eventually, when I do everything, I remember Him...

[6:31 PM](her) Alam mo.. dami kong natutunan dito sa conversation natin.. kahit short lang ..
[6:31 PM](her) isasapuso ko po ang mga sinabi mo
[6:31 PM](me) hehe, glad i've imparted something to you po... pag pray ko po yung family nyo esp your husband to wake-up hehehe, he will have his time

Whew! Lord really? I actually imparted something to a person much older than me? Great! Thank you for talking for me, hehehe.

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
--1 Tim 4:12

On the side note, another person asked me bout falling in love in the context of God, because she doesn't know if what she is feeling is love or something else because she hasn't really fallen in love in her entire life yet. As much as I like to continue or write this to a full-blown blog, I cannot say any more, hehehe.

Another side note, I'm not disgusted by them anymore, I just feel compassionate. I will love unconditionally and selflessly. Hope you can see me as your friend.

Lord, thank you for giving me such experiences to minister and share what you have taught me. I'm excited for a deeper maturity in you my Lord. I'm honored that people trust me, may they see more of You in me.

Shocked

I never stopped loving her even when she dumped me for a non christian dude. Her housemate who is a common friend told me that she's happy so I let her let me go, in a way I let go of her too so that she can be happy, but why are you still suffering from your decisions?

The enemy is tempting me to teach you a lesson at the expense of my righteousness, but I won't give in to that invitation. You stay the hell away from me. As my friend said, your righteousness in God is more important than anyone or anything else in the world.

I went to the first birthday of my pamangkin, first son of my kuya. I went to tita to bless, she asked, 'oh nasan si...?' , I said hello to my cousin, she said, 'where is...?', I went to mama and she said, 'bakit wala si...?', every relative, and every employee was asking for her. This was the time I would have been really grateful for a recorder so that every time, I can just press the play button for my answer. WALA NA SYA!!! Hahahaha! But I didn't say she and I are no more.

My mom somehow knew and told me, 'Pupuntahan ko sya', and I asked, 'Why?', and she replied, 'Syempre minahal ko rin sya'. Awwww, my heart melted. As much as she doesn't want to do anything with me anymore, I have to ask her this last favor for my mom. So I texted her:
Ey, somehow mama got the info dat we are no more, I was shocked nung sinabi nya sakin ngaun na pntahan ka daw nya at mag papaalam sau. Tinanong ko bakit? Sabi nya, 'Syempre minahal ko rin sya'. hehe, sorry to bother u for the last tym but could we just do mum a favor? And as much as you don't want to do anything with me anymore, her sincereness drives me to grant her ds last request from you n I just want her 2 be happy and know that we are happily apart n still loving God, religious si ma eh. Tinanong nya kung nasa jubili ka, sabi ko 'most probably wala kc may revie un 4 her board' =j

I thought she would gladly accept this but to my surprise, she replied this:
But (name) i dnt thnk I can do dat :-( i still love you, I'll just cry. Nt a day passes when I dnt thnk of u. Everyday i tel god, "bt hes d promis" y did he let ds happen? I guess its all with a purpose. So please (name), I really dnt know what to say to u

Wow, this is a revelation. Ackkkkkk! If there's someone who should be in agony right now, it should be me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I'm fulfilled now in God's purpose and I don't want to argue with her anymore, no more rebuking for now, and I won't let this hinder me to love my God. Hence I just replied:
I don't want to argue with you anymore (name), to you I let this happen, for me it's a different story... I was so sure you were the one I was destined to marry, but I already surrendered it to God, and (hawsmate) said you are happy n I respect that so I let you let me go, because I want u to be happy. What god has given, he has taken away, and I praise Him with all that I am. N jst for the record, I never stopped loving you even if you dumped me for a non-xtian dude... There are some things that we can't control, but for those that we have, it's just a decision away... (truncated)

For the sake of discussion, I'll analyze her text again. You say you love me? What do you feel for your unbeliever? I felt sorry for him, really, as in to the max, that you can still say that to me, that you still love me. Have you told him? Or is your relationship with him built on lies? I don't want to be in his position, it disgusts me just to think about it. Does he deserve it for taking advantage when you were vulnerable? I prayed three weeks ago that I will not harm this person for I give way to God's wrath. Only God knows but I thank him if this is part of his wrath, thank you my Lord for your ways are higher, let it be your will to pour it down to my enemies. To think of it, I never really had an enemy in my entire life. Maybe he could be considered as one for taking advantage. hehehe. Thank you my Lord, I take delight in your revelations.

Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. --Rom 12:19

So where was I, ah yeah, that I felt sorry for your guy. Still shocked though that you questioned God that I'm the promise and how could I let this happen. Let what happen? Allowed you to dump me for a non Christian dude? Oh come on, are you saying that I'm the one responsible for the decisions YOU've made? You amaze me sometimes, you said you have thought of everything, and mock me and say 'I told you i've thought of everything', and always say, 'I know, I know', but have you thought of what God is telling you? Until when will you live in regret? May God deal with your pride also. I'm still searching for the person within you whom I loved. I thank you again my God, for presenting me an opportunity to control my temper and hinder my bitterness, for if I don't have you, the world is telling me that I have every reason and all the right to hate her for the rest of my life.

I won't love someone until the last hint of you that bothers me is removed. It would be very very very unfair for my special someone, even if that special someone who God has destined for me is still you.

My mom comforted me, I had a talk with her. I was astonished that what my mom said is similar to what my dad said (even though they are separated), that how could she not love me, and that she lost someone who could love her for the rest of her life. My mom said to me that she thought she was the one, and my mom really wants her to be my wife. She said she couldn't imagine why, and I just said, Neither do I. I later learned that my mom got the information from my sister in law because she saw me crying so hard every night in front of the monitor for no particular reason. Embarassing, hehehe, but no more tears fell for her after I went back to God's grace.

My situation is complicated if I look at it the world's point of view. To love her or not. To move on while receiving double-edged messages from her. To continue with life when I thought I can't love another person ever again. To be happy and jump for God even if another friend is suffering. Being a friend to someone you love who loves another. Taking the risk to fall in love again with the person who hurt you but still you keep on loving.

While on my way home from sunday church service, I was with my friends. Manong driver overheard our conversations, and when they left the taxi (because my destination is farther), manong started talkin... Hahaha! He said that I was wrong, that I should take my revenge and pursue someone so that she will know how bad it hurt me when she dumped me. Oh that manong... I said I can't because I still love her and I can't fall for someone else right now, and he said, 'Ano? Eh tanga ka pala eh, alam mo tawag sayo, tanga (we laughed while I'm silently praying and blocking his curse to me), tapos pag babalik sya sayo tatanggapin mo parin? Ano ka tira tira? Pagkain na pwedeng balik balikan?' Manong's illustration was strong haha! I said, 'Oo, mahal ko parin sya eh'. He said, 'Ay nako hindi ganun yun, kung ako sayo, papaltan ko sya ng sampung babae, pakita mo na kaya mo! Para bumalik sya sayo', I laughed and said, I don't want her back for the wrong reason, if it were the reason, I'll spit her out. Finally, we arrived at my house and those were just the excerpts, manong was really affected... he was shouting at me hahaha! I praise God that my mind is not one with the world, but I appreciate manong, because he feels my old pain.

It's easy to fall short of the glory of God, but this is not what I want to do. I'm sorry to you my lovee for I cannot pursue you now even if I love you because of my convictions, and my convictions are extremely turned off by the way you act, but I'm not in regret, I love God and I praise Him even if you are not the ONE anymore. May you redeem yourself, you are still blurred.

Moving On

This is the point in my life where I'm moving on with the help of God, and I'm doing great actually because I'm not always bothered by her, that my faith is in Him, that I'm not impatient anymore of her awakening and I can honestly treat her as one of my friends. I can continue living each day in His amazing love.

Remember that I lost my phone in my previous entry, but got it back, thank God! During the time that the phone was with Pem, you know WHO texted me

This reminded me of u. "bt by d grace of god i am wat iam, and hs grace to me was nt w/o efect," 1cor15:10

And my phone replied to her that I'm not with it because I asked a favor to pem to reply to my messages that I'm not with my phone. You know who texted some of my friends and quoted the message she recieved from my phone and said, Y did pem reply using (name)'s fone??? Weird.

I really don't know what to feel, well at least she still cares about my phone. For her first text message about the verse reminding her of me, I'm thankful that she still reads her bible (Well I didn't have a clue so I didn't know if she still does, but now I do and I thank God).

I don't know how to react to this kind of message from her, because even though I do not admit it, I know that it kills me a little each time she sends me double edged texts. I just replied my thanks to her and that the verse encouraged me. After that I cannot concentrate on my work, and it bothered me, so I decided to put this to an end in a subtle way so that she and I may move on because I don't want a hint of her bothering me when I love the person who God has destined for me. I texted her this long message:
Suddenly remembered you while staring at the monitor smiling. Js want to thank you for helping me restore my faith, and helping me realize that something that I thought wasn't for me now comes so easily... from the times you reminded me to read my bible, even though I do, I know you meant something more. Until the end, God still used you to become the reason for my awakening...

Thank you for it helped me deal with my passiveness and despise my old ways that I thought were worth living for. Thank you that I can live each day with a smile and come to Him without a doubt that I'm in his purpose. Thank you.

This may be the last time I'll bother you w/o ur permission, I surrendered everything to Him even the connection I had w u which i treasured so that forever I will live and forever I believe.

Ok I was inspired by the songs I was listening to so I got some words from them, hehe. I prayed to God so that we may continue with our lives and even though she left me and fell out of love for me, I still want her to be happy. Receiving texts from her out of the blue is not healthy for me, and it's not healthy for her, and I do not rebuke her anymore and just reply out of love and an off topic message so that it can end there.

She replied after a while... I'm broken I'm going home. I prayed to God to make her whole again. I thank God that I can treat her equally like my other friends whereas before I was too impatient of her awakening, I was demanding from God. Thank you Lord for giving me the grace to move on. I hate to admit this and come to this point but honestly, she is now fading as the person who I want to be with for the rest of my life.


You texted again this morning, about reading NKJV bible and a verse from it. I just replied, nice, will read it, morning and continued with my life.

When you left me for another guy I was badly hurt, and it became the lowest point in my life. And even if you rejected me during that time, even if you were so cold when I was crying to you... to cry to you and get a blank response was a deeply sad feeling, I still loved you. To look beyond the hurting is a martyr's life and I embraced it because I loved you so much. I've always looked at you as the person who I was destined to marry and I was so sure, and I always told it to my friends how excited I was for that day but didn't tell this to you.

But all of these I already surrendered to God and to have no bitterness left is a great feeling, and no more do I have to focus on you. But this doesn't mean I'm shutting you off my life, I'm still your friend if you allow me to. If you come out of your hiding place, you will see that we, your christian friends, are still here. So I had to tell you that that long text message so that we may continue with our lives. May He reveal more of him to you while reading your bible, in your circumtances, through your godly leaders, friends, visions, and dreams. May you be complete in God's time... you are a work in progress, we all are.

...Naked I came from my mother's womb,
and naked I will depart.
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised."
--Job 1:20

So true.

Remarkably Crazy Morning

When circumstances come into my life, I’m often overpowered by worries, but to realize and believe without any doubt that my faith is in Him calms me and takes my worries away.

Bought an item in ebay and set our meeting at Ayala 8:15 AM. I woke up this morning, greeted God for a brand new and exciting day, and texted some peeps bout what I thought of this morning.

I got out of the house only at eight so I texted the seller, Bro, I’m gonna be late, let’s reset the meeting to 8:40. While riding the MRT, a friend texted me saying that she’s bored. I asked her why, and I was shocked by her reply:
Maybe I’m just tired of the routine, tired of work. I’m tired of aiming for something I don’t even know.
Lord, are you serious?! Talk about coincidence… first was my officemate, and now my friend. I felt the same way I felt for my officemate… compassion. But all of these are not a coincidence, she texted me for a reason, and I grabbed that opportunity and smiled to God, “galing mo talaga!” I told her my testimony, and encouraged her
This is a turning point in your life, the time to surrender to God and say, I’m tired of conforming to the pattern of the world. This is the time of your awakening. Your spirit is screaming for a new life and it’s only a decision away… (truncated)
I was already eating my breakfast at mcdo (Ayala MRT Station) alone and smiling while also waiting for the seller to arrive. I shared a prayer to my friend, and at the same time prayed for her. I told her to really mean that prayer with all her heart, mind, and soul.

She had no reply for a while, and I got worried that I might have sounded too religious to her so I texted her again, I’ll always be here for you. I hope I somehow eased your burden. She finally replied, You certainly did, I’m working and I’m crying. And I cried with her… imagine, I was alone in a fast food restaurant... crying but with a smile, thanking God that the seed is growing in her heart.

The seller texted me and apologized for being late, and said to look for a black Ford Focus. I thought to myself, You’re not really late, in fact you arrived just in time. Hehehe. I saw the car and got in it and to my surprise, the person I texted BRO is a SHE!!! So that’s why she always texted with a smiley. Pem was her name, she’s very nice and friendly. I got the item, had a little chat with her, and bid my farewell.

I’m already on my way to the MRT station to go to work and I put my hand in my pocket to reach for my cellphone and my heart skipped a beat because my phone!!! My phone was not there!!! I must have left it in her car! I tried to go back and looked for her but to no avail, and then I realized that my worries were a waste of effort because I have no doubt that God will return my phone back. It made me calm and put a smile back in my face, and headed to work… without my cell phone. Crazy? How can I be this calm? Even my officemate was more worried than I was.

When I reached my workplace, I borrowed one of my officemate’s cellphone and called my number. Pem answered the phone and my calmness was confirmed. Up to this night, I still don’t have my cellphone, I’ll get it back tomorrow morning. Yet another new experience for me, to leave my cellphone on a stranger’s car. This is the longest time I’ve been detached from my phone, it’s like a part of my body, but God is telling me not to be dependent on it and I didn’t think twice to surrender it to Him.

I never enjoyed singlehood this much.

Kids

The Lord has opened my heart for children. Teach me so that I'll have a better understanding of them. May I delight in sharing time with kids and enjoy receiving impartation from them. Reveal to me their ways in loving You.

I observed the sunday kid's church yesterday. It's really a different world in that small room because you can just feel the passion that radiates from these children. It was good, and they were lovely. I'll observe again on the third sunday of the month.

This will be something new to me for I have never served a child before. Thank you for this opportunity my God. I delight in your decrees and I will not neglect your word.

On the side note, heard Aegis singing Halik on TV while writing this entry. The song goes something like "Ngunit anong magagawa, kung talagang ayaw mo na... ang halik mo, namimiss ko, bakit iniwan mo ako!", hehehe, I smiled and thanked the Lord that songs like this do not strike pain to my heart anymore, and I never have to WISP or live in regret ever again because of her.

I do not deny that she's not totally out of my system because the 6 years make it so much easier to associate her in everything that I do, that it doesn't take a conscious effort to remember her when I do this or that. It's a process, and those memories will remain as memories and not nightmares that can haunt or condemn me.

I have strayed like a lost sheep. Seek your servant, for I have not forgotten your commands.
--ps 119:176

My Sweet Dad

Never saw my dad this way, someone who cares, someone who listens, and gives timely advices. I just saw him as my provider and that was it.

Earlier, my father treated me for lunch. We ate some yummy and healthy sandwiches at Exchange Deli. He ordered carrot juice and roast beef in wheat bread, and I ordered some farmer's ham, fresh green salad, and iced tea.

We ate and we talked. We finished our lunched but our conversation was not yet complete so we went to Starbucks and ordered some coffee, and there we talked, talked and talked some more. I just enjoyed his company, enjoyed listening to his advice and his experience.

He said to me again that I should thank God that I knew her earlier in my life. Look on the bright side because if this would have happened later, if we were already married, the story would have been much much worse. He said that she's still not ready because she cannot wait and be there during the time that I needed her the most. He said that a person who can't wait and hold on to a relationship is not yet ready for marriage because one must turn selfishness to selflessness. In the same way I'm not ready for marriage because I have so much plans for myself that I cannot fulfill in a married life.

Funny that he asked me if she would return to me, would I still accept her even though the same thing could happen again. I was surprised that he answered his question for me and said, "Syempre, mahal mo parin sya eh." My father knows who I am. I explained to him that I am willing to be heart-broken over and over again for the one I love but I'm not dwelling on the thought that she would return to me because I want to move on with my life, but in the oddest event that she still does, I will but I'll make sure she's okay with God first.

He said I'm still young and this experience is a milestone for my maturity, he also said that the next time around, I can avoid the mistakes I did during my first relationship. She lost someone who could have loved her for the rest of her life and went on to try out a guy she barely knew, my dad said that this is not the way to go in a relationship. I was so sure that she was my first and last, but God has better plans for me.

I'm encouraged with my dad and what happened to me today. Yet again, God presented another something new in my life, that is to have a deep conversation with my dad which I never experienced. My dad trained me to be independent and in the process I thought he could never be there for me, but what happened today proved me wrong. I'm thankful for my father.


Why do I always have side notes? hehehe, these are semi blog entries that are too short to write in another blog, or not aligned with my current burst of emotions.

Anyway, on the side note, on my previous blog I mentioned in my side note that I shared Jesus to one of my officemates who needs God more than ever and I'm just encouraged by the seed that has been planted in him. Here is his latest blog entry:

Dear God... [03 Aug 200710:56pm]
I'm sorry, I'm lost.
I'd like to find the light that you've always gracefully shone upon me to find my way. I want you back in my life. Help me find the way. Help me find the courage.
I know, I'm a sinner.
Perhaps, more than I'd ever known and want to admit. I've been digging my own grave and I'm half buried in my own half truths, and whole lies. Help me forgive. Help me move on. Help me see the world the way You see it.
I've never been lucky, but I've been blessed. Thank you.
When there was despair, You've been my hope.
In all the hate, You've been my love.
In all the delirium, You've been my reality.
You've been there for me.
And I want to be here for you.
Now, and until the moment that I take my last breath...
I want it to be for You.

Teary eyed.... Thank you Lord for a work in progress. Let's help him find his way to You. During my drifting life, I developed doubts that you can use me to reach out to my officemates, that I'm not any better than them, that the industry and the life of professionals are just too hard to penetrate. Yes, it is very hard to preach if you don't practice it. I'm so sorry, I have no doubt this time, USE ME whenever you can, and I won't think twice to share your good news.

My Excitement

My excitement does not come from a relationship anymore, but on everything that comes from Him, from the humblest to the most generous.

I just reaped a blessing yesterday because I sold my last item online, I never thought someone will buy our old camera. The Lord was able to sell all my items in just one month! On my way home while I was riding the jeep, it just struck me that I was so excited to give my tithe this sunday, for giving Him more than the usual. I never got excited for tithing, and he revealed to me WHY...

When I was still in a relationship, she always asked me, when will you gonna marry me. Not just one or two times, but a lot of times. I laid down my plans to her, but she was disappointed because it was just too long and even mocked me that she'll have a boyfriend first, and I was shocked because it was not a good joke for me, she said sorry but later I realized that there was some truth in her joke. The thing is she can't wait anymore even if she promised she'll wait (no bitterness here hehehe, I always said to her never to promise, just do it, but she said sorry for ruining my plans when she broke-up with me and honestly, I already forgave her).

Since I always remained passive whenever she asked me when to marry her, I never noticed that I was already put under the pressure of preparing for it because she badly wants it. For me it was just natural, but from where I stand now, it is not! Even though my convictions tell me that it is not yet time, my will continues to grind so that my plans can be hastened and we can get married. Yesterday, God revealed to me just that I was not healthy during my relationship with her because I kept focusing on my plans, and lost contact with the more important things in life, and lost excitement for God and took for granted things He gave because I was living each day as a pressure to save money and prepare for our future (main reason I didn't get excited for my tithe).

I don't blame her for this because it was my choice and my passiveness that melt me down. I tried to hold on to her and sacrificed my standards because I thought she's worth more than anything and I couldn't surrender her to God so I just went on with my life and thought I was happy with her and nothing else mattered. I never thought I could live without her, but God opened my eyes on His world which is more exciting that the one I was living in. I live my life now with no hindrance, no pressure, and if ever a relationship comes again, it will serve as a bonus and not my sole contentment. Now, she's undergoing a similar experience I had, hehe.

Thank you my God for sharing your wisdom and revealing your plans for me in every day of my life. You always do but I became deaf and relied on my own strength. Thank you for opening my senses again and sorry that I said that I hated this gift you gave me. I want more of you and less of me. :)

Don't Complicate It

Go back to the basic most important thing, Love God, that's it! Not just say, "I love God" but really really love God! Why do we humans have to complicate things. God doesn't want us complicated so he reminded us to have the faith of a child, no complications, no maybe's, no thinking too much. Oh yeah, it is easy for me to say it now because I've already passed that phase but back then it was not so easy.

While I was enjoying my singlehood, enjoying my job, listening to good music, talking to God and chatting with my friends all at the same time, you texted me: Ayaw kitang itxt pero d ko na mapigilan, gusto ko lang sabihin na ang ganda ng vista, i lyk :-(

I thought to myself, what the? Your first three words, "Ayaw kitang itxt" tells me that either 1) You keep some bitterness or 2) You want to run away from your feelings again. Your next words "pero d ko na mapigilan" tells me that you still can't control your impulsiveness, that you still succumb to your feelings, and you may want me to feel guilty about it. Your last words, "ang ganda ng vista" would make me wallow in self pitty if I'm still confused because it's a thing I enjoy which is about computers, gadgets, etc and somehow you still remembered me. And finally, your sad smiley ":-(" tells me that... you are sad even though you feel happy with your unbeliever.

I didn't give in this time to your double edged texts, you need help badly but I can't because I will only worsen your situation because you will feel good about it if it comes from me and it will not be healthy for you, and it will not be healthy for me too. I'm so sorry that you have to be in this kind of situation and as much as I don't want to see you suffer and help you myself, God is telling me that right now I'm not the right person to wake you up but I'll always be here to pray for you and if you really ask for my help without any pretensions, I will help you.

You texted me again that you never stopped loving God. I can't rebuke you as much as I was so itching to reply. How can you say you love Him and do not do what he says. Faith without action is... dead. Why do you run away? Why do you regret? Why do you avoid your Christian friends? Why do you feel condemned? Why are you thinking of being a catholic again and see the christian church as legalistic? Why are you still searching for your identity? Why do you always say that later you will be "ok"? Why did you tell me you wanted to scream? You want your spirit to scream! Why... this is a hard one... are you willing to give your life to a lost person? It's because the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

I do not judge you because all these came from your mouth and actions. Someday I can say all of these to you, but for now, these will not come from me. It may seem that I'm harsh, that I'm a stone because I can still smile and continue with my life while you are in this situation. My officemates finally believed that I'm over you because I can be so calm and control myself. They said that I should be the one suffering because you left me, I just said to them, "Iba si God eh".

When a person loves God with all his/her heart, soul, mind, and strength, there will be no doubt, there will be no condemnation, no need to run away, no guilt, and no regrets, because to love Him is to surrender all of these, all of oneself, and with no questions asked, do what he says out of delight.

Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.- James 1:22

On the side note, this afternoon while I was sharing my testimony to an officemate of mine, he said to me that he's feeling what I was feeling when my life was drifting and knows deep inside that there's something or someone missing. Wow! Lord, I won't remain passive on this one, I'll plant a seed in his heart. I replied to him with a deeper realization I got before and somehow felt that he can relate, I said, "My worst feeling ever is to yearn for something I do not even know.", and he said, "Exactly". Asteeeg. This person needs God more than ever! And talk about application, I said to him, "Have you ever come to a point in your life that if you die the next minute, you're certain you're going to heaven?", he thought for a while and said no. I shared a prayer with him but he said he can't mean the prayer yet, but he said "pretty soon". He said to me that he always wanted a deep talk, but his friends always shunned him whenever he tried to start and everytime it just comes out as a joke. I encouraged him and said to him I'll help him find his place. Thank you my God for another person drawing near to you.

Another side note, this morning my dad drove me all the way to my office. We talked a lot because the traffic was heavy and there was a lot of catching up to do, I said I missed him and asked how he was doing. I also shared that "she" and I are no more, and he gave me good advice. I'm amazed by his wisdom, or in general, I'm amazed how wise old people can be. It's like they've been through everything and they know exactly how you feel and what you need to do. I was comforted by my father, and it felt good to have a conversation with him again after a long time. When I got to my office, he texted me, "Lunch out tayo friday", and I got teary eyed and said yes. :)

Temptations

After God molded me, the enemy wants me back. It knows my weaknesses and everyday it tries to invite me.

Earlier, after brushing my teeth, an officemate asked me out of the blue, "Bitter ka no?", and I said "Huh? no, why do you ask?", he asked for no reason, just to test me if I would give in. I just said to him that "I'll think about what you said because no matter what I say to you, I cannot convince you". I asked him, "do you keep bitterness?", and he said yes, a lot of it. I just encouraged him and knew why he asked me the question in the first place.

I had a chat with one of my girl officemates who tried to convince me that I'm still not over her. Hehehe. She asked me, do you miss her, I said at times yes of course, 6 years is a long time! Another question, when you wake-up, do you think of her? I said yes, because everyday since the day my God freed me, I thank Him that I can continue with my life without her and of course, it can't be helped that she comes into my mind. She asked me again, "and you still love her after all that?", I said yes, because she's my friend. From that, my officemate concluded I'm still not over her and I'm a martyr and a hopelessly romantic freak hahaha!

In this world, does it really mean that when you still miss someone that you are still not over him/her? Maybe the more appropriate term is that I'm moving on and I can continue with my life without her because I already surrendered her to God.

That is my first weakness, to wallow in self pitty. It was tested and I'm still good.


A girl is texting me again after she found out that "she" and I are no more. This girl asked me to be her you know what during the time I'm still madly in love with "her" but I refused. Not because I thought about God, but because I thought about her and I wanted to guard my heart for "her". I rejected her and said, my heart already belongs to someone else, and she stopped communicating with me. It saved me before but my motive was wrong.

A girl in the office catched my eyes while I was walking down the aisle. I thought to myself, wow, she's really nice and pretty. Could she be the one? I don't even know if she's a Christian. The point is, I was tempted to court her even if I don't know if she's good with God.

This is my second weakness, women. I sense a lot of tests on this one because they are everywhere. The world is where you don't have to do anything to have a girlfriend/boyfriend, just stay passive and give-in to the opposite sex and before you know it, you're already in too deep, and slowly it will destroy your relationships, your future, and your closeness to God.

You are already running away from the people who can help you, the enemy will tell you to avoid surrounding yourself with godly friends, to seek advice from the people who have the answer you want to hear so that you may feel good about your false decisions. You see the church as legalistic, and you try to justify your actions with too much thinking even if deep inside you know it's wrong, you will just ignore it and try to move on and hope later you will be okay and someday wake-up. You keep on running and running until you are already on a far away place but find out that you can't escape from yourself. A blind faith. To have a first hand experience on this, I can say that it may seem okay to live like this because I didn't notice that my life was going down the drain until it worsened. To remain focused on a thing which is not God and hope that the thing you are holding on to will last forever, but it won't, it may last years but it won't last forever.

Now, I despise this deceitful feeling. God has already disciplined me and showed me that just by being passive, I was already sinning. I will take this lesson by heart and won't let it just turn into old memories.

It's hard to move on when there are people who push you towards bitterness and lies. Buti nalang andyan ka. I'll surround myself with Christian friends, people who can push me towards God.

On the side note, I texted one of my friends in galleria who is a leader there. I said to him, "I don't like children, I don't know how to deal with them, act and talk in front of them but I want to learn. Is it still possible for me to join the kid's church?", I'm not really expecting a straight answer, but he replied, "Sure!! If you want, you can observe first. Let's start this sunday.", wow, ambilis. Hehehe. I'm excited for this, I'm grabbing this opportunity that God presented me and won't remain passive about it and continue with my life ignoring or taking for granted things that come from Him.